All Is Not Lost
by AssbuttPlaid
Summary: The world's been destroyed by an unknown virus that obliterated most of the population. Cities are burnt and decimated, people are literally torn apart in the streets by gangs of raging psychopaths; and Dean's left to be the leader of their group of survivors. If that wasn't bad enough, he also has to deal with his family's usual gut wrenching drama. *Rated M for obvious reasons*
1. Chapter 1

_**Okay, just want to make a few things clear. I've always wanted to write a post apocalyptic story. And as it turns out I wanted to add on Sam and Dean's sister Erin, from my sisfic that I've got going on right now. So, if anyone should stumble across this story and doesn't understand who Erin might be, I would advise going and reading over "The Curse of Erin Winchester" so they'll understand. **_

_**Also, this story has nothing to do with the other sisfic I'm writing, the only thing that's the same is the OC character Erin and the bond/relationship she might have had with Castiel. Which also if you don't understand you'd have to read the other sisfic too lol. So, anyways, like I said this story's plot is in nooo way associated with the other sisfic I got going on, it's completely separate. Thanks for reading if you do :)**_

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><p>No one could even remember how it happened, it felt like eon's ago. There was never a solid and concrete lead to follow, no answers to be given, the only thing the ones who were lucky enough to survive the blast could do... Was just... Keep on surviving.<p>

The world had gone to pot a good three years prior. Doesn't sound like that long a time really, three years is hardly decades, but once the virus hit and millions of people started dying... The end result was a scene out of every post apocalyptic movie ever made.

It wasn't Lucifer, it wasn't the _actual _apocalypse that the angels upstairs were trying to jump start. Lucifer was still locked in his cage, to Dean's knowledge, so they were still left with the unanswered question as to how all of this started. But, he found that after the first year came and went that he had actually stopped asking himself that question. All that led to was a distraction, and a distraction in what was left of the world now a days would ensure you getting your head taken clean off your shoulders.

Sleeping with one eye open, with a gun and knife under your pillow... That wasn't anything uncommon to Dean or his brother; but now it just seemed so much worse. Now they weren't sleeping in their usual rat infested motels where most generally they were safe. Now, it was wandering wherever the road took them, leading their group of survivors to safety and making sure no one got picked off.

How Dean had managed to become the leader of their little dysfunctional group he would never know and understand. It's certainly not as though he was mentally stable anymore, or... Ever, he didn't know anymore. But, he was strong, and on most occasions he managed to make halfway decent decisions with his brother. Castiel on the other hand, well... He steered clear of decision making, because it wasn't uncommon that survivors automatically placed the blame on anything that used to wear a halo. Since no one understood just how the world went to shit, they were quick to place the blame on anything and everything supernatural. Angels, demons, even shape shifters somehow got the blame. But Dean honestly didn't think that any of them was responsible. It seemed that maybe, just maybe... This was just a freak occurrence. Some random virus that quickly escalated into something ugly and brutal and unfortunately the world just wasn't prepared for it.

He was just thankful to have his brother and his best friend still with him because he honestly figured he would've put a bullet in his own head by now if they weren't here.

The first year was the hardest of course, and the most bloody. Those that weren't infected with the virus were the ones that started looting and acting like maniacs. Buildings were literally blown off their foundations, victims were beaten and torn apart in the streets... It was a nightmare; and the only way that Dean, Sam and Cas had survived it all was by laying low. Only venturing out after dark was their best bet, and even that was risky as hell. Somehow by a miracle they managed to find food and water, at least enough to get them by until everything started to die down.

Now... The world was just a wasteland. There were no towns or cities anymore, most of the population was dead. But it wasn't just the virus anymore... Now it was something else. Those that had been infected, but managed to survive... Half of them had transformed into foaming at the mouth nut jobs. Literal psychopaths that formed violent gangs that they called "crazies" who were dangerous and scary as all hell. Dean dreaded the unfortunate occasions they actually ran into any of them. If anything made you want to turn around and run screaming, that was definitely it. The only good thing about them was they were pretty easy to kill, if you could actually get a shot off that is. Because those damn fuckers were fast.

A crack and pop broke Dean of his thoughts, and he gazed up from his position long enough to see a couple of the kids in their camp running and pretending to sword fight with sticks. They couldn't have been over ten years old, and thankfully they managed to at least pretend the world wasn't a steaming hunk of crap now a days.

The one thing in the world that neither of the men would talk about was _her_... She wasn't allowed to be brought up in conversations, no one was allowed to even speak her name... Their sister... Erin... After all of this started she was with them for the first six months, and then one day the world only became that much more horrible and impossible to tolerate.

She was gone... That's the only thing that anyone would say when they had the misfortune of mentioning her name. Erin was gone now and that was one subject their entire group knew better than to bring up anymore.

Dean blamed himself of course, because he just wouldn't be Dean Winchester if he didn't blame himself for everything gone wrong. But in truth, it was no ones fault. It was just a horrible horrible accident and Erin was just the unfortunate one that was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But it was a nightmare that Dean had to live with every night for the last three years. Seeing Erin being enveloped and pulled in a group of crazies, hearing her scream as they tore her apart. No, they didn't physically see her being ripped to shreds, but the screams were all the confirmation they needed to know.

Erin was gone now... She'd been gone for years and still that aching pit in his stomach was there.

Now Dean's attention was averted to a crunching sound, as he noticed Cas walking his way across the campground, his thick soled boots grinding into the gravel. Most wouldn't think to look at the guy and believe he'd actually been an angel in the past. He certainly didn't fit that description now. A tousled mess of hair, unkempt in the sense that he probably could stand a nice long bath; scruff that Dean could just not get used to seeing on the former angels face it seemed so wrong, and... Of course the most unusual thing... Watching Cas stop and lean against a truck bed, lighting up his first morning cigarette.

If it wasn't cigarettes now a days that Cas turned to, it was booze, or whatever prescription pain killers or downers they happened to come across. He wouldn't go as far as to call Cas a junkie, but... He definitely had his issues. He'd even shot up once or twice but thankfully that was a little too much for the guy, Dean noticed... He hadn't done it again. But that certainly didn't stop him with the cigarettes or the occasional joint he'd be lucky to find. Apparently they'd raided a former pot heads apartment not a week ago, so Cas had a nice stash in his cabin.

Cas high all the time wasn't his only issue, but apparently after placing the blame on himself with what happened to Erin, he decided the best way to block out all that pain other than drinking and drugs was... Well, Dean could hardly judge someone for getting into a girls pants cause he sure as hell had done the same thing, but Cas was carving more notches in his bedpost than Dean cared to count. He'd banged almost every single chick in their camp more than once. But Dean could see the look in his eyes, the look of emptiness and pure pain. He hated himself for doing all of it, because he still loved Erin... But he continued _on _with all of it because he didn't want to think or feel that guilt, pain and emptiness anymore.

Dean watched Cas take a few long drags on his cigarette, the cloud of smoke afterwards lingering in the chilled morning air. The guy could definitely stand a decent meal, he'd gotten pretty thin. But, he usually skipped out with anything concerning food. He refused to even take on cooking duties with the other camp survivors because he was perfectly content with punishing himself, and apparently starving himself into emaciation was a good punishment. He hadn't quite gotten to that point yet, because every now and then Dean would see him munching on a can of beans. Apparently Cas thought he deserved some kind of penance for what happened to Erin, so he wouldn't let it get to the point where he would off his damn self because he kept wanting to inflict some sort of _punishment _on himself.

With a deep breath he crossed the campground and moved to a stop just beside Cas, eying his friend up and down.

"You're up early." Dean said, narrowly dodging the puff of smoke that Cas blew in his direction.

"Yeah," Cas croaked out, his already gravelly voice had just gotten that much deeper lately. "The weather's turning cold, Dean. So... It's getting more difficult to sleep."

"Yeah," Dean squinted up at the partially sun filled sky. "Winter's are rough around here, dude. Which is why we gotta make as many runs as we can before it starts snowing."

"Hm," Cas replied absently, taking another long drag. "Any particular reason why you're telling me this, Dean? You know that I offer to go on every run we make."

Dean nodded, reaching over and snatching the cigarette from his fingers, taking a drag himself. Gross smelly habit or not, sometimes a guy just needs to relieve that stress.

"I know you do," He replied. "That's why I'm gonna have to insist that you eat somethin, man. Cause we can't have you weak out there. You need to stay sharp and strong cause it's not just your own ass that could get shredded, but someone else in our group if your skills are slipping."

Cas' eyes rolled and he let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Dean you might be our groups fearless leader, but that doesn't mean you can bark out orders at me and expect me to follow them."

"Nope, you're right," Dean returned him his cigarette. "Ain't barking out orders, dude... Just think of it as a friendly request."

Cas' eyes continued to roll as the food bell was being rang at the main bonfire. After that, Cas pushed away from the truck and started across the campground, taking his last few drags on his cigarette before flicking the butt into a puddle. Dean was at least thankful that he saw him heading towards the line building up at the bonfire and the two women who had nominated themselves for breakfast duty that morning.

Everyone pulled their weight around camp, be it from cooking their meals, to guard and cleaning duty. In the spring and summer they actually had their first vegetable garden which was nothing but a lifesaver, and a few months back they'd stumbled across an old farm that still had some chickens. So, overall this was the best they'd had it since the world went and died on them.

Dean moved to the end of the line, waiting around until everyone ahead of him had been served their rations before moving forward and accepting two servings of... Something... On the dented tin plates. He didn't ask questions anymore when it came to food, he just ate whatever was given to him. Meals were hard to come by now a days, so even if it was something gross and nasty he'd choke it down without breathing. This morning however, it looked like scrambled eggs with some kind of bits of meat mixed in. The chickens had been working over time laying eggs lately, thankfully, so at least everyone had some protein.

After getting his and the second share he started off again until coming to a stop at Sam's cabin, seeing him sitting on the steps with a blanket wrapped around him and a cup of something hot and steaming in his hands.

"Mornin," Dean said, climbing the steps and sitting beside him. "How you feeling this morning?"

"Okay," Sam replied, coughing slightly. "The cold weather's just making me a little achy."

Dean tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong with his brother, but it was obvious to everyone in their camp that Sam wasn't at his best health.

He'd been one of the sick... One of the people that had gotten the virus once it struck. He recovered of course, but the aftermath from it was a weakened immune system and body aches once the weather turned cold and damp. But, his heart was in good shape according to the doc they had at the camp. She said his heart was nice and strong and he didn't seem to be having issues with anything else, it was just the constant colds and body aches that knocked the kid down every now and then. Overall, Dean was just grateful his brother was alive, and somewhat healthy. And, thankful that after Sam recovered from the virus he wasn't one of the people that totally turned into a raging psychopath.

"Here," Dean said now, handing over the plate. "Eat your breakfast, that'll help."

Sam reached out from under the blanket, taking the plate with a shaking hand. "Thanks."

It didn't matter how old they got, or how huge Sam happened to be, whenever he was sick Dean couldn't help but see that little four year old kid he'd taken care of all their lives. So, he stayed silent and watched Sam take in a fork full of eggs, chewing with a slight cringe before swallowing. Only then did he start in on his own breakfast.

"So what's the plan for the week?" Sam asked, perking up slightly once the coffee kicked in.

"Gibson was on patrol last night with Carter and Mack," Dean started, taking a large bite. "Said they saw a group of crazies making camp in the valley... We wanted to wait til they passed on through before we made another run into town."

Sam nodded, taking a moment to gaze at the mountains and forests surrounding their camp. Montana was definitely pretty with the scenery, but it made for a harsh as hell winter which he wasn't looking forward to.

"We got it pretty good here I guess," Sam replied. "Where we are, sectioned in between the mountains and in the middle of no where... No one's spotted our campfire smoke yet."

"And they shouldn't either," Dean nodded. "Cause we're about as far from an old city or town as you can get. Makes the runs that much harder, but... At least we're safe here."

"Yeah... We got lucky with this place, Dean-" Sam took another bite. "Maybe we can actually stay here."

"Yeah maybe. If we're careful there ain't no reason why we couldn't."

Falling into silence, both brothers stared at the campground and the dozens of cabins scattered about. They had only been there a few short months, but as far as their entire group was concerned this place was nothing short of a paradise. With how secluded and out of the way it was, no one would find it... No one unless they knew the area beforehand, but so far they hadn't seen anything but deer and squirrels. Which meant that hunting around the area was relatively easy. They got deer a few times a month if they were lucky, but mainly it was just rabbits and quail. A couple times they even got a wild turkey. That combined with their vegetable garden and chickens, and it was the most food their group had in two years.

It didn't take long after the world died for them to come across survivors here and there. And before long they'd built up a pretty decent sized group. Forty in total so far, which might not seem like many, but seeing is that the entire worlds populace was dead, forty people was practically an entire community.

"So after the crazies have moved out of the valley," Sam interrupted the silence again. "We're gonna be making another run?"

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "We gotta stock up on supplies as much as we can before the snow gets here, like I told Cas earlier."

"Cas," Sam sighed, shaking his head as his eyes scaled the crowd before spotting the former angel sitting alone just next to the well. "I wish he'd talk to us, ya know? It's been almost three years since she-"

"_Sam_," Dean's tone went harsh.

"We gotta talk about her sometime, Dean." Sam stared at his plate. "Cas is just slipping farther and farther away. Hell... I don't even recognize him anymore."

"That's what happens when you watch the love of your life get ripped to shreds." Dean spat back making Sam cringe.

"So, we're just gonna let him keep on slipping away? He's gonna kill himself eventually, Dean."

Dean nodded at that, shoving in another fork full of eggs. "Yeah... We won't let it come to that. We'll figure out somethin, okay?"

After all the people they'd lost, they weren't gonna let the only family and friend they had left go and kill himself.

Both of them had their eyes fixed on Cas, who was picking around on his plate of breakfast, taking a small bite with a cringe every now and then. How he was still able to get up and walk around anymore neither brother could understand, he looked one gust of wind from being knocked completely flat on his ass.

Surprising enough, after several long minutes of him sitting alone, he got up and made his way for Sam's cabin, stopping at the end of the stairs.

"Morning, Cas-" Sam said, trying to give a smile. "How's it going?"

Cas ignored that question and instead looked to Dean. "Do you know about when we're going to be making our run?"

After scraping his plate clean Dean shrugged. "Just as soon as a pack of crazies move on from the valley, why?"

Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. "I'm on my last pack."

Dean snorted and shook his head. "Well, Smokey; ya know there's a solution to that problem... Quit smoking."

And Cas responded to that by pulling one out and popping it between his lips, lighting it up and dragging on it, smoking up the area before turning and walking away.

"Yeah," Sam sighed, waving the smoke away. "He's the picture of mental health."

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><p>Castiel stared up at the ceiling, trying his best not to pass out. His head was spinning, as well was his stomach but that's what happens when you drink your weight for dinner. He figured that after all of this time his body would have adjusted to something like that, but... It hadn't. So, the only thing he could do was lay there and just wait for the room to stop spinning. And once it finally had, he rolled over and grabbed his cigarettes quickly lighting one up and kicking the blankets from him.<p>

He stood now, after yet again clouding up the area with smoke and grabbed his pants, yanking them up and over his hips trying to ignore the feeling of eyes burning into him from behind.

"Ya know," She said and he felt himself cringe. "If you wanna talk or something-"

"I don't." He quickly interrupted, refusing to glance at her from over his shoulder. "That's not part of the agreement."

Her name was Andrea, and maybe she was considered a nice young woman, pretty too... But he couldn't find it in him to give a damn. She was just another one of the girls in the camp that he'd use to get off, and then send them on their way the next morning. Most of the women didn't mind that, because it's not like anyone was looking for something permanent, Cas especially. But Andrea... She liked to hover, and she always wanted to talk about their relationship that she'd completely made up in her own head.

She sat up next too, covering her naked chest with the blanket as her dark eyes watched him move about the cabin rifling through drawers before pulling out a half empty bottle of vodka.

"Cas," She sighed. "Why won't you talk to me, or even look at me after we've made love?"

"It's not," He stopped and slammed the drawer closed. "What we do is _not _making love, Andrea."

"Still," She frowned. "It would be nice if you'd talk to me or something."

"Why?" He swung around with his bottle in hand. "What does that even matter when I specifically told you from the beginning that this is not a relationship. _We_," He pointed to himself and then to her, "Are not a couple, we're not together in the way you've envisioned. What we are is... Is nothing at all." He sat with his cigarette between his teeth as he shoved his feet into his boots. "We're a distraction for each other, a distraction from what the world's become, and that's all."

But Andrea didn't see it that way at all, and Castiel knew that. She was in love with him, she'd made it completely obvious on numerous occasions and he made it equally known that he in no way what so ever felt that way about her. But, the woman just didn't seem to understand it or believe it.

"We've been doing this for months now," She said again, climbing out of bed and keeping the blanket wrapped around her. "I just... I just wanna know what's going on, Cas. You know I care about you, and I'd do whatever you wanted. I could be good for you if you'd just give me a chance."

"And I've consistently told you no," He replied, glaring up at her. "So why do you keep bringing that up?"

She swallowed and let her eyes fall to the floor. "It's just... Cas, she's been dead for almost three-"

"Stop!" He jumped to his feet. "I told you a long time ago before this started that you're _never _to bring her up and you agreed!" He grabbed his shirt and threw it on, and without bothering to button it started for the door. "I'm going for a walk, when I get back you should be gone."

He stomped out into the cold night now, descending the stairs quickly and darting off across the campground with long fast strides, not stopping until he was a good distance from his cabin.

Once he slowed to a stop next to one of their armored up vehicles, he fell against it and slid to the ground, staring up at the now star filled sky.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Erin-" He muttered quietly, then clenched his eyes shut tightly and bumped the back of his head several times against the car. "Forgive me..."

Over and over again he vowed to himself that he was going to stop with the way he was acting, because he knew that if Erin was alive she would most likely beat the hell out of him for it. His destructive behavior, the drinking and drugs and sleeping around... It wasn't him at all. But he just couldn't take the pain... He couldn't cope all day every day with the horrible anguish and guilt he felt. So, if he could void it out for just a few moments, he would do it. Even if it meant drinking himself into unconsciousness, or popping pills until he saw stars, or sleeping with every woman in their camp he would do it.

But of course that only brought on more guilt and misery, because once the buzz or high wore off, or after the shock and pleasure from sex was gone he was reminded all over again just how much he wanted Erin back. And of course... Just how much he despised himself now. He honestly didn't believe that he could hate himself anymore than he did. And if he wasn't so insistent on punishing himself day in and day out, he probably would have given up ages ago and let a pack of crazies tear him apart.

Death would have been so so comforting right about now.

And, just as always when he would lose himself in the guilt and pain, he vowed over and over again that this would be the last time. This would be the last time he blocked out his emotions by sleeping with a random woman from their camp. The drinking, drugs and smoking was entirely different. That he knew he would never give up on, but the sex... He had to. Because it's not as though he was gaining anything from it except misery and shame the next morning.

With that he yanked off the lid to his vodka and took a few long burning pulls, relishing that horrible burn still as it went down. If he could just drink to the point of passing out again, then... Then he wouldn't have to deal with the nightmares. He would be dead to the world for a few hours and wouldn't have to live with the agony of seeing Erin's face or hearing her screams.

He kept his eyes fixed on the night sky above, taking gulp after gulp of his vodka until he couldn't see straight and it was all he could do to sit up straight afterwards. By the time he reached the bottom of the bottle he had collapsed over to his side, trying his best to prop himself up with his elbow.

Things went black shortly after that, and he awoke who knows how many hours later to someone nudging his shoulder over and over again.

"Cas," Dean's voice cracked through the deafening silence. "Cas wake up, man."

His eyes dragged open, being met with an obnoxiously bright morning sky with the scent of campfire smoke over the air. Dean's face was blurry and hazy, and after blinking several times over his vision began to clear.

"Wha'ppened?" He slurred out, and Dean let out a sigh.

"Dude, you were drunk again. You must've passed out sometime last night and you've been laying in a god damned puddle all night. Good way to make yourself sick, man."

"Mm' okay," He slurred out again, trying to force himself to sit up.

"No, you're not-" Dean stood, and helped pull him to his feet. "Guess that means you're not gonna be sitting in on the debriefing this morning."

He blabbered out something else which wasn't at all understood, as Dean helped lug him across the campground and back to his cabin.

Once they hit the stairs he struggled with his own feet while Dean grumbled out a sigh.

"Okay one foot at a time there, buddy-" Dean said. "Take is slow."

"Stop... Babying me-" Cas croaked in return. "Mm' not a ch-child."

He tripped his way up the stairs and back into the cabin, and Dean tried to ignore the tangled mess of blankets and sheets and the clear scent of sex lingering in the air as he dropped him down on the mattress.

Cas crawled his way up towards the pillows, collapsing onto them and burying his face down deep trying to block out the sounds coming from camp.

"Ya know," Dean said, standing there watching him. "If you beat yourself up every damn time you fuck someone, then maybe you should just stop."

Cas groaned at that. "Shuttup, D'nn." He blabbered.

"Hey, don't tell me to shut up. Like it or not I'm your friend, and I also happen to run our little camp here, and I can't have you wandering around drunk off your ass and passing out in puddles cause there's kids here, man. You gotta straighten yourself out before you hurt yourself, or someone else."

Cas rolled over enough to throw a pillow at him, missing horribly. "Just... Stop... Lecturing me, Dean." He managed to spit out and it was actually coherent. "I'm fine."

"No," Dean sighed and pulled up a chair, taking a seat. "You're not fine. You're spiraling more and more, man; and we're all worried about you."

Rubbing his head, he honestly believed it was split completely in two. "_You're _going to lecture me, Dean? Really? You? My behavior isn't any different than yours had been in the past and-"

"That's right, it's not. And you know why I did all that in the past? Because I friggin hated everything about myself and wanted to block out all the guilt and pain I had. And ya know... It didn't help at all, it never did. The only thing it did was make me wake up with a hang over." Cas didn't respond to that and only cinched his lips. "So, c'mon. Just talk to me or somethin. Tell me what's goin on in that angsty and complicated head."

Swallowing hard, Cas forced himself to sit up. "I can't..."

"Yeah you can, just spit it out."

It was all he could do to not vomit all over his bed. "I just... I just want it all to be over, Dean. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't know how much longer I can take it, it's driving me insane. I just... I want her back, I want things to be the way they used to... I miss her so much."

"I know," Dean swallowed back a knot. "We all do."

"But it's different for me," He replied. "You weren't bonded to her like I was. You don't feel as though a piece of you was literally cut from inside of you and stolen away," He paused, averting his watery eyes to the corner. "I thought that the more time that went by it would get easier, but... It's not. I thought that when my grace burnt away and I became human that horrible longing would disappear but it didn't. It just keeps getting worse and worse and living is becoming nothing but a horrible burden and I just want... I just want to die." Dean dropped his head at that, still saying nothing. "But I can't. Because... Because I deserve to be in pain for failing her. She was my... She was _mine_, and I was meant to protect her and I didn't."

To avoid Dean seeing the tears in his eyes he pulled himself off the bed and hobbled over to his dresser and grabbed what was left of some water in his canteen.

"Ya know," Dean cleared his throat. "I get that I don't know what it's like for you. I ain't never been bonded to someone or whatever. But, Erin was my sister, hell I raised that girl since she was two years old, so... I do know what it's like to hurt because of her bein gone. And you're right, that pain never will go away, not completely. But... Eventually it'll get to the point where you can shove it aside and ignore it, and you gotta do that, man. You have to. Because we all need you here, I need you... Sammy needs you. So you can't go and give up on your family."

Castiel choked down another mouthful of water before sputtering. "I'm not good luck, Dean."

"What, and I am?" Dean snorted. "You know my track record dude." He stood now. "Look, I'm not saying that you need to just snap outa whatever you're going through, cause that'd kinda be like the pot calling the kettle black. But, yeah... Just cut down some on the drinking or something. And, enough with the orgies and banging every girl within a ten block radius, okay? Cause the only thing that's doin is making you feel worse."

Locking his eyes on to his canteen, Cas swallowed hard. "I know... I've told myself over and over again that I'm going to stop, and I fully intend to do it and then... Then those horrible feelings return and I want to drown them out in any way I can... Believe me, I hate what I've been doing, I hate it with every fiber of my very being, but... I just can't seem to stop." He tossed the canteen on the dresser now. "There's always masturbation, but-"

"Oh god," Dean groaned, rubbing his head. "Dude, no... No, just, just... No."

Castiel actually managed a small smile after that. "My apologizes, Dean."

Dean stood now and moved towards the door. "So, how bout you get some coffee or somethin and then join us for the debriefing?"

And it surprised not only Dean but Castiel himself when he nodded. "Alright. I will."

Dean passed him a half ass smile, then left the cabin.

Castiel appreciated what Dean was trying to do, but it's not as though it was going to help matters any in the long run. He would have these talks with himself over and over again, and then after the next nightmare of Erin, the next time he saw her face in his dreams that pain would be too much to tolerate and there he would go... Drowning out that pain any way he could, which usually was by some form of sexual act he was ashamed of.

But, the one thing he didn't want was Dean and Sam worrying about him, and he certainly didn't want to cause a scene. So, he decided from here on out that he would just pretend... He would pretend to be better, every day, all of the time. Pretend that he was well and fine, fake a smile when people were looking; stop with the drinking and the senseless sex and maybe... Maybe just maybe, he would get lucky and eventually that fake happiness would ingrain itself in his head to the point he could just... Forget her.

That suddenly struck a shot of pain straight through the whole of him, enough that he buckled and had to take a seat. The thought of forgetting about Erin, of pushing her beautiful face and memory away was almost as pain as remembering that dreaded day when the crazies got hold of her. He didn't want to forget her, in no way what so ever. He loved her still, he would always love her and that would never stop. How could he actually contemplate forgetting her?

Pulling himself up, he moved to the water basin he kept in the corner and poured a fair share of ice cold water in the bowl, then dunked his head down in it. Faking normal meant being somewhat tidy and clean, instead of the unkempt disheveled mess he was right now. So, he washed his hair and face, deciding against shaving because that seemed like too much trouble. After he was as clean as he could manage with no shower or bathtub, he found a clean pair of jeans, a fresh t-shirt and button up, and threw them on before finishing off the ensemble with one of Dean's retired jackets.

It wasn't a vast improvement, he thought as he stared at his reflection in the cracked mirror, but it was a start at least. At least he didn't look like a half dead zombie walking around. But now that he was cleaned up he could see physically the toll this lifestyle was taking on him. He was thin, too thin, his eyes bloodshot and with dark circles beneath them... Not to mention he was pale and just... Worn out.

But he ignored that because he had to, and after a deep breath left his cabin, ignoring too the raging hangover, and started his way for what had formerly been the campgrounds activities building but was now used as their mess hall during cold and foul weather. Most generally that's where they had their debriefings, while Sam and Dean handed out orders and duties for the day. He couldn't help but think that maybe if he was preoccupied with some sort of task that morning, then maybe he could just shut his mind completely down to all of his negative thoughts.

It would have been nice at least.

Once he reached the mess hall he tried to avoid the looks everyone passed him, moving to stand at the edge of the crowd within hearing distance of Dean and Sam who stood at the head. After he'd slipped back into the shadows, leaning against the wall with his arms cross his eyes scaled the crowd momentarily before he spotted Andrea gawking at him. He shifted uncomfortably after that, refusing to look at her again as he kept his attention focused on Sam and Dean.

She made things even more uncomfortable and awkward than they already were. He was already ashamed of everything he had done not only with her, but several other women in the camp; and she just had to go and make it worse by wanting some form of relationship. What he couldn't understand was how the woman couldn't tell straight from the bat that he had no feelings for her at all. None... Not even a slight fondness. Which, he supposed, made him a very bad person for the things he had actually done with her, but... Like he had told himself the previous night he was going to try his best and cease with those sorts of activities. But somehow he had a feeling she wasn't going to let it go at that.

"Okay," Dean said. "Glad you all could make it. Let's get started."

The crowd silenced at Dean's voice, much like they always did.

"What've we got so far, Sammy?" Dean went on, turning to his brother who stood at the head of the crowd with a dozen or more crinkled papers in his hand.

"First off," Sam said, raising his voice so the people towards the back could hear. "We've gotten reports of a gang of crazies over in the next valley," There were several gasps after that. "But it's okay, we've had our scouts out there keeping watch and reporting back, and as of this morning the gang's moved on. Which means everthing's fine, and we're still safe."

"So," Dean took over now. "Because the valley's free and clear of those psychopaths, we're gonna be assembling a team for a run into town coming tomorrow morning. Anyone wanna nominate themselves for a ride along?"

Dean's eyes scaled the crowd as Castiel was the first to raise his hand. "I'll go, Dean."

It always took one brave or stupid soul to nominate themselves first before other hands flew up from the crowd. Three more men raised their hands, and two women, incidentally one being Andrea which Castiel couldn't help but groan at. He hoped that he wasn't placed in the same vehicle and team as her.

Sam counted silently at each of the people who'd nominated themselves then gave a nod. "Six should be enough. Anymore than that and we'll draw more attention, Dean."

"Yeah," Dean leaned against the table behind him. "We leave at first light, and as far as everything else... Winter's comin up, so if anyone in the group knows a thing or two about canning and pickling foods, then get to it because we don't want everything in the garden going to waste. And, cabins twelve and eight's both got leaky roofs on em, so we'll be taking volunteers too for help on repairing them. We gotta make sure each cabin is well stocked and insulated before the first snowfall."

Castiel started to daze out after that, his hangover really packing a wallop as far as the pain in his head went. Not to mention his stomach was churning, and he figured another hour might come and pass before he started violently vomiting. Overall, he was regretting very much so the night before and the constant drinking he'd done.

"Also," Dean cut through his numbing thoughts again. "We'll need a hunting team for this morning. Anderson spotted nearly a dozen elk on his patrol and we wanna at least nab one or two of em-" His eyes scaled the crowd. "Volunteers?"

"I'll go," Sam offered, giving a nod. "Two more should be enough."

Castiel would have nominated himself for that task, but with his hangover he couldn't see straight and he wasn't going to be responsible for shooting and missing one of their precious food sources, so he remained silent.

Thankfully though two more nominated themselves and before long the meeting was dismissed and Castiel found himself being placed on breakfast duty, so he made his way outside and to the work station.

The bonfire was positioned directly in the center of the campground, and built around it was the actual work station. It was a crudely constructed stand with a tin roof awning to shield the workers from the rain, and if they weren't using the bonfire to prepare their meals then it was a makeshift grill which was more or less two large empty barrels filled with burning embers and covered over with chicken wire. Not bad, Castiel figured, could have been worse at least.

Over the course of the last three years they'd acquired a decent amount of kitchen supplies. Pots, pans, cutlery and drinking containers, so they didn't have that to worry about. They had even gotten lucky in a few abandoned houses as far as spices for cooking went. Dean had returned to camp a month prior with an entire case of sea salt and everyone practically wanted to kiss him they were so grateful.

That didn't happen very often though, finding such large quantities of items. Most places had been ransacked and looted right down to the studs, but... Every once in a while they'd hit, as Dean always called it, the mother load.

But, preparing breakfast for such a large group was actually rather tiresome, and by the time they had finished frying up as many eggs as they had gathered, as well as some vegetables from the garden, Castiel's head couldn't have hurt any worse he was certain of it. Not to mention the smell of all the food was making his stomach churn, so he declined any food once offered and retreated his way to his usual spot near the trucks to light up another smoke.

After a long draw and holding it for several seconds, he released it and immediately felt all of the tension and stress melt from his shoulders. Yes, it was horrible for you but so was drinking, and he couldn't be bothered to give a damn about his health anymore.

Only two hours in to faking some form of normalcy and already he was exhausted and fed up. Whether or not this was going to work, he didn't know... But he would at least keep it up for another few days just to see. He had to do something after all, something short of putting a bullet in his head anyhow.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thanks for the reviews and those who's followed! Please continue to leave feedback cause I'm always looking for ways to improve :)**_

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><p>It was the first time in a long long time that Castiel had gone to sleep without drinking himself into a blackout. It took him a while, in fact he tossed and turned for hours before finally drifting off, but at least he could take solace in the fact that he wouldn't wake up with a hangover; not to mention that he wouldn't have to look at another random woman's face beside him either.<p>

He fell asleep on his own, and he halfway felt ridiculous for actually being proud of something like that.

The next morning he woke up before sunrise because he knew as soon as dawn broke they would be heading out on their supply run. And it wasn't a little drive that would be over and done with within a couple of hours, no... Instead it took days. That's how far their camp was from a previous town or city, at least one big enough to grant them some form of supplies to return with. The drive would take approximately three hours considering the busted streets and broken and burnt out vehicles littering the roads, and then once they arrived to the edge of town it would take a day, maybe two to scale the buildings thoroughly while not being discovered by any crazies.

Supply runs were never easy, and as a matter of fact the last one Castiel found himself on, one of their group members vanished. He wandered off from their group and disappeared and after an hour of searching they had to abandon him there because it was too risky to linger behind anymore than they had.

It hadn't been an easy decision for Castiel. But he had been leading that group, and he had to think about the survival of everyone not just that one man. Naturally he received a few harsh remarks from those following him, they called him a monster and a cold hearted bastard for abandoning Carl, but... Castiel couldn't listen to them. And once he explained the situation to Dean, well... Dean agreed with him. Which is why it was made perfectly clear that anyone who went on runs were to stay with their group at all times no matter what, or else risk being left behind.

But, after that incident Castiel refused to take lead over his own group again, instead choosing to follow Sam or Dean, because they were much more qualified for that role in the first place.

It didn't take Castiel long to dress himself and leave his cabin, shuddering instantly from the cold blast of mountain air that slammed against him. Winter was growing nearer by the day, and with how frigid and miserable it was already he knew not to expect anything less once the snow came. He had a feeling there was going to be quite a few single people from the group bunking with each other just to ensure not freezing to death.

Castiel could only hope that no one wanted to bunk with him, because he definitely was _not _willing to share his cabin for an entire winter.

Those on breakfast duty were already up and getting their work station prepared, so he took the liberty of approaching and gladly accepted a cup of hot coffee once a woman he'd just recently learned was named Tina, offered it.

Coffee was a rare commodity now a days, and the supply they had was stretched out as well as they could; which was why it was weak and really not at all tasty... But it helped warm his insides. Besides, incredibly weak coffee was better than no coffee at all as far as he was concerned.

After getting his coffee he moved across the campground, taking a seat on the truck bed, pulling out his pack of smokes. He'd been going as sparingly on them as he possibly could, and had somehow managed to make the pack last longer than a day which he was convinced was a miracle. He had ten left, which meant he would need to cut back even more because chances were good he wouldn't be lucky enough to find anymore in town. It's funny how something that wasn't really needed exactly was the first to vanish from the rubble. Alcohol and cigarettes were the first two things that quickly began to diminish, contraceptives, feminine products and toilet paper were the others. Coming after food and water of course.

Once he'd lit up the only cigarette he was going to have until lunch time, he tucked his knee into his chest and listened to the silence. The only movement he could see in camp was the women working at the bonfire, and of course those that were patrolling the property. He figured he was going to have to nominate himself for guard duty again one of these days, but that of course meant he had to be completely sober which didn't happen often. He hated being sober, his thoughts were persistent and maddening when he was sober, which wasn't at all enjoyable.

After another sip of coffee, he sighed and watched a cloud of his own breath dissipate in the cold air. He remembered a time not so long ago where he actually didn't mind so much the cold weather. Of course... Things weren't anything like they were now. It was before the world died, before everything changed and long before his grace had ever drained away.

"Hey, Cas-" He heard Andrea say, and his eyes closed instantly. "How are you this morning?"

For a moment he wondered how in the hell the woman had managed to go and sneak up on him like that, but... That's what happens when he's god damned sober... His mind wandered and raced, his thoughts were distracting to the point that he didn't even hear her footsteps.

"Tired." He replied bluntly, hoping she would read by his tone that he was in no mood for her or conversation.

"Yeah," She chuckled faintly, apparently not getting the hint as she sat beside him on the truck bed. "So are you ready for the run today?"

"As ready as I'll ever be I suppose," He took another drag of his cigarette, keeping his eyes focused across the camp and not on her. "You should go and ready yourself."

"I'm ready," She sighed. "It's not as though I need to pretty myself up for it or something."

He said nothing in response to that, and instead swirled his coffee while flicking ashes absently.

"Cas," She said now, turning to face him. "Can we talk?"

And now he slammed his cup down on the truck, sloshing what was left of his coffee everywhere.

"Andrea, since it's seemed to escape your memory I've told you on multiple occasions that we are _not _friends, we are not anything to each other, so why do you constantly-"

"Why are you such an asshole, Cas?" She interrupted, cutting him off in mid sentence. "The only thing I've ever been is nice to you, I've done everything you've ever wanted and more and you treat me like shit. I don't care if you miss that girl, or if you loved her, I don't deserve to be treated like shit."

He sighed at that, noticing the sky brightening with sunrise over the mountains.

He supposed she was right... She _was _nice to him, she always had been. And maybe she didn't deserve the treatment he'd been giving her but he just couldn't help it. He didn't want her to get the wrong idea about him because he certainly didn't want any form of relationship with the woman. But... Apparently she'd taken their sexual activities together as some sort of sign that wasn't there, she'd imagined he had feelings for her or something to that extent when he didn't.

"I'm sorry," He said, still maintaining that harsh tone. "You're right in the sense that I have been treating you badly, but I also get tired of explaining myself to you, Andrea. What we did together in the past shouldn't be misconstrued as anything other than what it was... Which was something physical to distract us from the goings on in the outside world. I'm sorry if you've gotten the wrong idea from me, but that's all it ever was to me was sex. That's all. Nothing more." He gave her a quick once over before hardening his expression. "I told you that's all it would be from the beginning."

She swallowed, lowering her eyes to her lap. "I know you did. I guess I just hoped you'd... You'd change your mind or something once you got to know me, and once you saw that I was a nice girl and that... That I could treat you right."

"Andrea," Cas tossed his cigarette butt away. "I'm not... Believe it or not but I'm not a mean person, it's just... You don't understand the situation, clearly. Erin wasn't just a girl, she was... _Everything _to me. My sole purpose in life was protecting her and when she died... There's just no way anyone would ever compare to her or take her place. It's impossible for me to care about anyone else because of her, so... Just spare yourself any discomfort or pain and walk away now."

But of course she didn't, and Castiel wasn't sure if she was just stubborn, persistent or incredibly delusional.

"Tell me about her," She replied, staring him up and down. "Why don't you tell me about her then?"

He felt his brows squeeze together at that as he gaped at her in confusion. "Why?"

"Because you loved her, and sometimes it's good to talk about someone who's gone, so... Tell me about her. What did she look like? Was she pretty?"

Castiel swallowed hard before giving a faint nod. "Yes, she... Was beautiful."

"What'd she look like?" She repeated. "Did she look anything like her brothers?"

He nodded again. "Yes, in my opinion she was a perfect combination of both of them. She had Sam's eyes, her hair was of the same hue as his as well. Everything else though I think looked very much like Dean."

Andrea chuckled. "Then yeah she probably was beautiful wasn't she? So, what was she like?"

"Very kind," He answered quickly. "And she loved her brothers more than anything. Before the world died they were hunters you know?" Andrea nodded. "She was rather good at it and would always try her best to help others. Y-You know, I... I have a picture of her that I keep in my cabin... I've tried my best not to look at it though since she... She died, it's just too hard."

She sighed, turning to face the campground and watched as the sun peaked over the mountains. "You should look at it, Cas. You should. Maybe it would offer you some kind of closure."

"I don't _want _closure." He bit back.

"So you'd rather be miserable day in and day out, is that it?"

He jumped off the truck bed, knowing it was too good to be true that Andrea had suddenly become tolerable.

"Yes, I would rather be miserable because it's what I deserve. I failed her in every way possible, and she was my life, the reason why I breathed. And because of me she's gone, and I deserve nothing but agony and pain because of it," He took a few steps away. "Just... Leave me alone from here on out, Andrea. We're done."

He left her sitting on the truck bed now, moving across the ever brightening campground until spotting Dean with what was going to be their group for the supply run. He rushed over quickly before he was too busy to talk and pulled him away.

"I need you to do me a favor, Dean," Cas said. "Whatever team you put me on today... I don't want Andrea to be in it."

Dean nodded for Sam to take over for him as he led Cas away from the group. "Now... What? You don't want to be paired with Andrea?"

"No," Castiel grumbled. "We don't work well together and she's... Just, can you make sure that I'm not paired with her please?"

Dean sighed at that, running his hand down his face. "Yeah okay, you'll go with Sam and his group then. But for the record," He nudged him roughly on the arm once Cas' eyes fell from his. "Whatever you got goin on with her ends now, cause if you can't even work together on a supply run then that obviously ain't a good sign. Keep your dick in your pants, Cas."

Normally Castiel might have spout something hostile in return, but as it turns out Dean was completely right this time around. Which was proof all the more that he needed to get himself straightened out and stop with his extra curricular activities because it was just making things awkward and uncomfortable to the point he couldn't even go on runs with people. He'd been so damn stupid that he'd gone and made a long list of females at their camp that he couldn't work with anymore. Not to mention gaining an unfavorable reputation that he was more than ashamed of.

"So are we all set?" Dean asked, giving Castiel a knowing look.

"Yes," He nodded. "I'll just grab my things."

"Make it quick, we hit the road in five minutes."

Castiel turned and made a quick beeline for his cabin, rushing up the steps and inside. Since they were going to be gone for what could be several days they were always required to pack at least one extra change of clothes, not to mention their weapons and ammunition, and anything else that would come in handy but not weigh them down. Castiel made do with an extra pair of jeans and his hiking boots that were scuffed and stained beyond all recognition. He didn't have much clothes, just as no one in their camp did anymore and with winter coming they wouldn't bode well.

Before Montana they had stuck to the southern states, since they were less hostile during the cold winter months. But... The south quickly turned into something mortifying and ridiculously dangerous... Even more so than usual. Apparently it wasn't only them that had the ideas to stick with the southern states, but everyone else did too. Not just survivors, but hoards of crazies and renegades that wouldn't hesitate to strip you naked and leave you stranded in the middle of no where... That is if you were lucky. The renegade gangs weren't ones to be trifled with and if you ever ran into one it was best to shoot first and ask questions later because they wouldn't hesitate to gut you.

If the crazies weren't bad enough they had to deal with those survivors that decided a life of murder and crime was better than being honorable.

So, that's when Dean had made the decision a year ago to travel somewhere far away... Up north, where the winters were harsh and there was long stretches of landscapes and mountains and hard to traverse forests, where no one in their right mind would venture to. Which is how they came across the abandoned campground they were currently holing up in.

Castiel's thoughts came to a screeching halt once he shoved aside a long sleeve shirt in his drawer and caught sight of the dirty and crinkled envelope he kept Erin's photo in. He didn't have to look at it that way if it was tucked inside that envelope. He could ignore it, and pretend it didn't exist. But... It was always there, taunting him to take just a quick peak... So there wouldn't be a chance he could forget every detail of her face. How her freckles danced across her nose and cheekbones, or her eyes twinkled in the light... Or the way the right side of her mouth curved slightly downwards when she grinned... He didn't want to forget any of that but actually looking at that damn picture was maddening. It was maddening because it only reminded him of happier times in the past, long before she ever died and they were together and happy.

Happy... He had forgotten what that actually felt like. All he knew was that he missed it, just as he missed her.

His fingers lightly grazed the envelope before scooping it up and turning it over and sideways several times over as he contemplated what to do. Opening it now... It would be stupid... They were going on a run and he needed to be sharp not morbidly depressed and grieving. But gods he wanted to see her face again, even if it was just in a photo so he quickly tore it open and gingerly removed the picture, keeping his eyes fixed straight ahead.

With a long hard swallow he finally dropped his eyes to the picture and immediately they began to blur as they teared up. Only seconds at looking at the picture of her and he choked back a sob.

"Dammit," He muttered, resting his hands on the dresser as he tried to snap out of it. "Why... Did I do that?"

"Yo, Cas!" Dean called from outside. "Get a move on!"

Castiel barely heard him, instead he kept his eyes fixed on Erin's smiling face.

He remembered the day from that photo perfectly. She woke up that morning and had been in a foul mood from a hunt gone wrong the previous day, and he wanted to find a way of making her feel better. So he attempted to make her breakfast, which resulted in the kitchen nearly exploding and she stepped inside just at the moment he was covered from head to toe in pancake batter. Whatever she had been feeling disappeared instantly as she burst out laughing, and Castiel could only stand there and marvel at how beautiful she was when she laughed; so he quickly grabbed his phone from the counter and snapped a picture so he would never forget that morning. They spent the rest of that day cleaning the batter from his hair and making love and it was just... One of the best days of his life.

How could such a fond and wonderful memory cause so much pain and misery now?

"Cas!" Dean shouted again, appearing in his cabins doorway. "Dude, we're leaving. Get your ass out here pronto!"

Snapping out of his daze Castiel quickly stuffed the picture back in the envelope before Dean could see it, placing it back in his drawer and covering it with his clothes.

"I'm sorry," He croaked out, sniffing away the tears. "I was just packing, Dean."

"Yeah, well-" Dean took a good look around his cabin, pretending he didn't notice the tears in his friends eyes. "We're gonna go over a few things before we take off, so c'mon out."

Castiel nodded and grabbed his duffel, following Dean from the cabin and back to their vehicles where everyone waited. Yet again, he tried to ignore Andrea, moving instead to stand beside Sam.

"Okay," Dean said, clapping his hands together. "Couple things we're gonna talk about before we head out; and that's what exactly we're gonna be doin in town."

He paused and glanced to Sam who took over.

"For starters no fucking around out there, we go in we search the rubble and buildings for supplies and we get out. Only take the bare necessities, things that's actually gonna be useful for the coming winter. Blankets, coats and jackets if you can find any, kerosine for lanterns, things like that."

"Which means we won't load up on worthless crap, cause if anyone comes back with shit that's not necessary it's gettin tossed. Now, Sam and his group is in charge of finding whatever canned goods might be out there. Grab everything that's edible, even if it's expired we'll make do."

A man named Rick raised his hand after that. "What about water?"

"We're good on water for right now because of the well and the lake a couple miles from here. Once snow comes, well hell we got the snow, so... We're good on that and water bottles just take up space we need. But, uh... Yeah I guess if you come across any grab em, cause you just never know." Dean answered. "Now, most importantly after our last run into town we got reports that there's actually a hardware store, and by the sounds of it it might be pretty well stocked."

"We're hoping we can find a working generator or two," Sam added. "So, if that's the case, the back of the truck's gonna be used for lugging those back."

"Anything else?" Their doctor Jane asked. She was a pretty dark blonde woman in her late thirties, and it was a well known fact to all that she and Dean had shacked up together several times.

"Just," Dean sighed and rested his elbows on the hood of the truck. "Don't be stupid out there. You know what we're lookin for, we've done it a million times. Use your brains, don't fuck up and don't separate from your groups. And... Try your best not to fire your weapons cause that just draws attention. Get by with your machetes and hunting knives if you can."

Sam nodded after that. "Okay, weapons check and then we're going."

Everyone laid out their pieces after that and Dean gave them a good once over, checking the magazines in the pistols before handing them back out.

"Let's go." He concluded then climbed in the drivers seat of their armored up truck.

Cas followed after Sam as he moved to a SUV that he was quick to believe was more along the lines of a tank now a days. He jumped in the passenger seat while Sam drove, and Jane, Rick and another man called Frank climbed in the back.

Now he just needed to settle in for the long tiresome drive.

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><p>It was worse than he remembered... It had only been a month since they'd made their way back for what was left of the city and it seemed like it was even more gutted than before.<p>

Dean let out a long winded sigh as he assembled his groups, deciding against sending Cas with Sam once he noticed the guys state in his cabin earlier that morning.

He wasn't holding up... At all, not that he was surprised. His behavior was all the proof he needed of that, but Sam was right when he claimed that Cas just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

Dean was actually afraid for him, afraid to leave him alone even; worrying if maybe he might just decide he'd had enough to blow his brains out, or string himself up somewhere. And that thought scared Dean to death, because Cas had been his best friend and like a brother to him for years. After all, Bobby always said that family don't end in blood, and he completely believed that now. So, if that meant he had to put Cas on suicide watch, then hell... He was gonna do it.

Cas seemed to sense something going on after Dean suddenly changed his mind about which group he was being placed in. Although, he was thankful at least that Dean still accepted his request of not being teamed up with Andrea. She was sent with Sam and his group, while Jane, Rick, Sean and Dean made up the other. Four to each group was just enough, and not too many to gain unwanted attention since they were separating.

"We'll meet back here at the trucks in three hours," Dean said. "So, pay attention to the time. Everyone be careful."

After a wave, and a nod from Sam, his group started up past the burnt out buildings and down crammed alleys before disappearing. Dean's group did the same heading in the opposite direction.

They had to keep their vehicles hidden out of plain sight, just in case a renegade or another survivor out there got it into their heads they'd wanna steal it. Which meant that since they were keeping them parked on the outskirts of the city, it made for a longer walk in, but it was better that way.

"Are we checking the residential areas?" Cas asked, after fifteen minutes of walking in silence.

"Yep," Dean answered. "The houses are usually the most well stocked still. Especially with things like blankets and clothes."

Cas lugged the empty duffel over his shoulder, knowing that by the end of the day it would be stuffed full; just as everyone's bags would be if they were lucky. For all they knew, they could search and search and not find anything worth taking back to camp.

And the first two houses they came across, which were more or less four standing walls with no roofs attached, were empty but for shredded and destroyed furniture. The next house after that was in slightly better shape, and inside one of the closets was a few flannel shirts, sized extra large so Sam was in luck, but that's it. All of the blankets or bed linens were all moth eaten, so that was disheartening.

Cas couldn't find it in him to care because after searching through what was left of some vehicles he found two packs of cigarettes. One was near empty, but at least it was something.

After they'd moved on from their first street of blown up houses, they came across a small area with a few businesses, in particular a gas station which Dean made a quick beeline for.

Jane and Cas followed himself while Rick and Sean stood guard outside. And once they cleared the door Cas went straight to the back where he could see the remnants of liquor bottles and shelves of old booze. Most of the bottles were busted, but he found one bottle of peppermint schnapps of all things, which he quickly stuffed inside his jacket pocket. If it wasn't in his duffel then Dean couldn't take it away from him so he made sure to place his newly found smokes there too.

After sifting through the rubble some more he found several mini bottles of gin and one whiskey which he pocketed too. As far as he was concerned he was done for the day, food, no food, he didn't care. He got what he wanted.

But he moved on from that particular spot in the convenience mart and continued looking, because Dean would be angry if he came back with absolutely nothing. He lucked out when he found an unopened package of toilet paper, a rare find indeed, and several protein bars that were well past the expiration date but it didn't matter. After coming up with nothing else he met Dean and Jane up at the front of the building to go over their findings.

Dean had more luck than anyone else it seemed, finding a few cans of ravioli and fruit cocktail, Jane found some paper towel. Overall it wasn't a horrible day, and after the three hours they met back up at the trucks and made their next plans.

Sam's group had about the same amount of luck as Dean's. A few canned goods, a couple of blankets and a cardboard box filled with jars of pickles, which was definitely unusual. And after everything was loaded into the back of the SUV, Dean stared up at the sky.

"Took longer than I figured gettin here," He said. "It's gonna be dark soon, so we need to find a safe place to make camp for the night."

"We spotted an empty building that was open and clear surrounding it," Andrea offered. "That might work."

Dean nodded, glancing to his brother. "Sammy?"

"Looks like an old bar or something, two story brick building; everything around it's been burnt to the ground so there's no signs of anyone else in the area... And we won't have to worry about being sneaked up on."

"How far is it from here?" Jane asked.

"About ten blocks or so."

Before long they were taking back streets and alleyways until coming to that two story brick building, and after a careful inspection and deeming it safe they got situated inside. An hour later it was pitch black outside, and the only light source was a solar powered lantern that was shining from the center of the floor. Thankfully the windows of the building were boarded up, which meant their light wouldn't be seen from outside, but also posed a difficult situation as far as keeping watch went.

"I'll take first watch," Dean said, after scraping up the last of his cold beans for dinner.

"I'll go with you, Dean-" Cas added, having little interest in his own dinner but scooping up a few bites anyhow. "Need to stretch my legs."

That and get away from Andrea's ever gawking eyes.

Dean gave no objections as Castiel followed him from the building and to the rickety porch that surrounded the entirety of the building, as they took a seat on the railing. Just as always Castiel didn't hesitate to light up a cigarette, being halfway entranced by watching the smoke flit away in the cold breeze.

"So," Dean said, breaking the silence. "You did pretty good today, man."

Castiel barely flicked his eyes towards him. "I did _good_? How so?"

"Sober," Dean replied, shrugging. "First time in a while, huh?"

"Unfortunately so."

Castiel returned his attention to the burnt out property that spread a good block or so, falling silent. He didn't necessarily mind conversation with Dean, but he wished that he would stick to their mission and not bring up his drinking habits.

After several long minutes of Dean examining him, he let out a sigh and shook his head. "Okay so where is it?"

Freezing slightly, Castiel only dragged at his cigarette again. "Where's what?"

"Your stash, I know you found somethin out there today," He replied. "So what was it? Jack? Gin? What?"

"Little of this, little of that-" Cas answered with a nonchalant shrug. "It's not much, however." Once he saw the way Dean was glaring at him, he rolled his eyes and reached into his inner jacket and pulled out the small bottles waving them in the air. "Here, happy?"

Dean took them and gave them a once over, before twisting the lid off of tiny bottle of whiskey and throwing back as big a shot as he could manage, with was barely a mouthful. He then handed it back to Cas who swallowed the rest.

"Been a while since we drank together, huh?" Dean replied, adding a satisfied "Ahh" after the shot. "When was the last time?"

"I don't know," Castiel sighed, opening one of the tiny gin bottles now. "Years, I believe."

"Oh wait I remember," Dean sat up. "It was, uh... What was it. Oh yeah, after that night at that lake, remember? Remember how we'd been walkin all damn day after the car ran outa gas, and we made camp there and Sam went and thought he was some expert fisherman and managed to fall in?"

Castiel managed a small smile. "I remember."

Dean's smile seemed far away and halfway sullen as he stared down at the gin bottle he didn't even remember taking from Cas.

"She, uh... She was happy that day if I remember right." He added. "It was one of the only days we had since everything went to shit that there wasn't any danger."

Castiel's heart fell to his stomach at the thought, swallowing back a knot of pain in his throat.

"It seemed that even in the most dire circumstances she always managed to force out a smile. But I think she only did that for our sakes." Cas shook his head. "That night was... It was a good night."

"Yeah," Dean's mood was suddenly straight down the crapper and he wished he'd never brought this subject up. After all, he was the one that always said they'd never bring Erin up again because it was just too damn painful. "Anyways... Don't drink too much, Cas; you gotta stay alert out here."

Cas waved the small gin bottle in the air. "Not enough to get drunk anyhow, Dean; so I think I'll be okay."

Dean nodded at that and slid off the railing. "I'll take the front then, you stay here in the back. If you hear or see anything, even if you think it's nothin... Come tell me, got it?"

"I know, this isn't the first time I've been on guard duty." Cas snapped back.

After an insignificant wave over his shoulder Dean rounded the veranda and disappeared towards the front of the building.

Castiel kept his eyes fixed on where Dean had disappeared, listening closely for any signs that he was lingering with in ear shot before yanking the bottle of peppermint schnapps from his jacket, yanking off the lid and downing a few long gulps.

So much for sobriety, the thought...


	3. Chapter 3

The air smelled clean... Which was definitely odd now a days. It wasn't often you didn't smell smoke or the stench of rotting bodies. But, for right now... All Castiel could smell was fresh clean air.

The sun was beating down on his face, and it was the most relaxed he'd been in what felt like decades. There was a warm breeze to contribute to the pleasant atmosphere, and after several slow deep breaths, he struggled to remember just where in the hell he was.

Even though he didn't want to, he opened his eyes and found that he was on the outskirts of a forest, overlooking a wide open meadow with tall grass and wildflowers swaying in the breeze.

His brows rose at that because he certainly didn't remember traveling to this place, wherever it was... In fact, he found it hard to believe that beautiful areas such as this even existed anymore in a world gone to hell.

"Cas," A familiar voice rang out beside him. "It's about time you woke up."

His heart practically stopped at hearing that voice, and for a moment he was almost afraid to look at her, figuring that once he did... He would find he was just hallucinating.

But, he swallowed back that fear and turned slightly, and... Sure enough... There Erin sat beside him, just staring at him with that peaceful and beautiful expression that she always had.

"E-Erin..." He stuttered out. "How are-"

"What the hell are you doing, Cas?" She interrupted, and the peaceful expression faded to concern. "How could you do that?"

He sat up quickly, eying her up and down because he knew he had to be dreaming at this point. Erin was gone... Gone forever, so...

"What do you mean?" He replied. "What did I do?"

She sighed, rolling her eyes at that. "You know what you're doing, Cas... Look at yourself. Look at how you're acting. Drinking yourself into stupors almost daily, the drugs the smoking and sex. C'mon... Do you really think I can't see what's going on?"

His blood filled with shame and guilt after that as he lowered his eyes to the ground. "I'm... I'm sorry, Erin. I don't do it because I like it, I just-"

"You're trying to block shit out, yeah I get that," She sighed again, looking very much like Dean. "And you seem to be doin a pretty piss poor job of it too."

"I know... I just... I don't know what to do anymore. It's been almost three years and the pain just keeps getting stronger. What am I supposed to do?"

"Not this," She jumped to her feet. "Not trying to kill yourself, that's for damn sure. Do you think I'd want you to do that? Do you think I'd sit back and nod in approval cause you're drinking and popping pills?"

He followed her lead and stood as well, but continued to keep his eyes on the ground. "No... I know you wouldn't. If you were able you'd... You'd probably, as Dean would say, tear me a new one."

"Exactly," She crossed her arms, shaking her head. "Cas, I love you... I've always loved you and I always will but you can't keep doin this. How am I supposed to rest in peace if I know you're doing this to yourself?"

Cringing, he just couldn't meet her gazes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," She moved closer, taking his face in her hands and forcing his eyes on hers. "Don't apologize for it, Cas... Just... Please stop, okay?"

Before he could wake up he grabbed her and pulled her close, smashing his lips on hers. And suddenly everything was just the same as it used to be. The way she smelled, the way she tasted, how soft her lips were... Everything, and for those few short blissful seconds the entire world seemed to melt into oblivion.

"I miss you so much," He said, pulling away only momentarily before kissing her all over again. "God, you have no idea." Once he had to come up for air, he kept her close and planted gentle kisses all across her forehead. "I don't know how much longer I can do this, Erin. How much longer I can keep on going without you. I just... Don't think I can do it much longer."

"You have to," She replied, holding him tightly. "It won't be long now. You need to look towards the broken sun."

"What does that mean? The broken sun?"

She stared up into his eyes, letting a small smile take over. "You'll see."

He squinted at her, trying to read something by her expression but he couldn't. "What do you _mean_? What's going to happen?"

"You have to wake up now, Cas," She replied. "Wake up now."

"No, no please-" He held her even tighter. "I don't want to wake up, can't I just stay here? For a little while longer?"

"You can't," She shook her head, pulling free from his grasp and taking a step back. "Like I said, it won't be long now... So wake up, Cas... _Wake up_."

When his eyes shot open and he was quickly enveloped in the cold of the night, he felt his heart plummet to his stomach. He didn't even remember passing out, but going by the half empty bottle of schnapps beside him it explained why he had. Honestly, he didn't even remember drinking half of that bottle either.

He stared at the bottle in his hand for a moment before screwing the lid back on and stuffing it in his pocket again.

What a horrible, horrible dreadful dream, he thought. Why was he constantly tormented by seeing Erin's face? If it wasn't reliving her death over and over again it was seeing her in such a peaceful surroundings, knowing that it wasn't real and she definitely _wasn't _so happy and carefree...

Fuck his dreams, and fuck his sleep, he thought. Drinking was supposed to make him dead to the world to the point he _didn't _dream... What good did it do to drink anymore if it wouldn't even accomplish _that_?

He flung his legs over the railing where he sat, wobbly moving himself to stand. Dean was going to throttle him once he found out he had been drinking on guard duty; especially since he had gone and passed out whilst doing it. And no sooner had his feet hit the porch did he hear a crash and shatter coming from inside the building.

He quickly shook off his buzz and darted for the door, pushing it open just in time to hear screams and more crashing.

"Shit," He muttered quietly, ducking down and moving his way closer to the open area where everyone was camped out.

After checking his pocket and pulling his pistol, he crawled towards the open doorway and peaked around the corner, seeing several rough looking characters fighting against Sam and Rick. Seconds after asking himself where Dean and everyone else was, he spotted Dean go soaring through the air and crash land on what was left of a table as a tall statue of a brute stomped his way over and started pummeling his face in.

He didn't wait around to witness anymore before darting in, pulling his hunting knife inside and got to swinging it. Pistols were a last resort, because they were noisy and would draw attention, and seeing is that there were four possible crazies here in the bar beating the shit out of everyone, chances were good there were even more near by.

The first one he went for was the large burly man that had Dean pinned to the table and with a quick thrust of his knife he imbedded it into the mans back. With a sickening twist and jerk he knew he'd successfully hit the mans kidney, and the result was him going completely stiff and still before his feet collapsed under him. After he was dead, Cas didn't have the time to check on Dean who was currently spitting mouthfuls of blood on the floor.

Now Cas darted across the room and to where Jane was struggling against who Cas could see now was another woman. There weren't many female crazies, so that told Cas instantly it wasn't crazies they were dealing with, but more then likely renegades. He didn't particularly relish the thought of killing a woman, but it had to be done or else she would gut their only physician. So with a quick swipe he cut her throat and she fell to the floor sputtering and gurgling.

Sam didn't seem to be having any issues with who he was fighting, pulling the oh so familiar demon blade and jamming it into a scrawny mans stomach. Dean had recovered to the point he took out the last, and after it was all over and done with they could only stand there breathing heavily and staring at the blood and gore surrounding them.

"Where's Andrea?" Jane asked, turning a quick circle.

"Here!" Andrea called out from somewhere in the darkness. "Come quick!"

Everyone rushed over, pushing busted tables and chairs aside before finding Andrea knelt down in a corner beside Sean's stiff and still body.

"Shit," Dean said, running his hand down his face. "Check him out, Jane."

Even though he knew already there was no point. Sean was clearly dead.

Jane crouched down beside him, feeling for a pulse, almost willing one to magically appear which naturally it didn't. After several long seconds she peered at Dean from over her shoulder and shook her head.

"Dammit," Sam said, brushing a trickle of sweat from his brow. "What the hell happened? They just appeared from outa no where?"

Dean turned and kicked at a piece of table, sending it flying across the room. "What the fuck? I had the front completely guarded, where the hell did they come from?"

Sam pointed to the stairs. "They must have climbed in an upstairs window or something."

Dean turned his attention to Castiel now who had gone ashen. "Cas? You wanna tell me what happened?"

Castiel jerked his eyes to Dean's before shaking his head. "I don't know what happened, Dean. I was guarding the back just as I was supposed to... I didn't hear or see anything."

And of course Dean saw straight through him, because Cas never could lie for shit, still even after all these years.

"Let's get this cleaned up," Dean said, motioning to Sean's body. "I guess we'll have to put him in the back."

Sam and Rick nodded, moving to the body and picking him up carefully, maneuvering him through the tables and to the back room behind the bar.

"His wife just found out she was pregnant too," Jane said, rubbing her forehead. "Now look what happened?"

Castiel went stiff at that, and Dean didn't respond before stomping over and grabbing him by the arm.

"I wanna talk to you... Alone." He said, and jerked him roughly across the bar and towards the back door.

Once there he came to a stop and started pacing.

"What the fuck happened, Cas?" He said, keeping his voice low. "You should've heard those yahoos. The only open window upstairs wasn't ten feet from where you were sitting guard, so really... What the fuck?"

Swallowing hard, Castiel tried not to be shaken. Because he knew all too well that what happened was indeed his fault. He had passed out, he was drunk and he passed out, and those renegades climbed the trellis and onto the awning, and he didn't have the slightest damn clue of it. He didn't hear a god damned thing.

"I... I don't know, Dean-" Cas replied, swallowing again. "They must have got the jump on me."

Dean's feet skidded to a stop now, as he clenched his jaw. Before Cas could blink Dean suddenly grabbed him by the chin and leaned in close taking a strong whiff of his breath. After that, he roughly rifled through his jacket pockets before pulling out what was left of the bottle of peppermint schnapps.

"Yeah," Dean said, glaring at that bottle to the point he could've cracked it. "That's what I thought."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't know that-"

"You're fucking sorry? One of our men just got stabbed in the fucking heart, and you're sorry? No, no way, man... We're well past sorry," He shoved the bottle back in his hands. "You couldn't wait til we got back to camp to get drunk off your ass and now I gotta go back and tell Sean's _pregnant _wife that her husband's dead... So fuck you and fuck your damn apology."

Castiel twisted the bottle in his hands, going completely mute while Dean paced back and forth in front of him.

"Ya know," Dean stopped again. "I've been understanding. Hell... I've gone way _past _understanding. I've lugged your drunk or stoned ass back to your cabin more times than I can count, I've cleaned you up after you've pissed yourself or puked all over yourself. And I did it cause I know that losing Erin was hard. I didn't wanna hammer you cause I understood what you were goin through. But... No, this has gotta stop, man... It has to. It's one thing when you're putting yourself at risk but now you're goin and putting all of us at risk. That can't happen anymore."

Castiel still refused to speak, which made Dean's lips press together tightly. "Fucking say something, dammit."

Raising his eyes, Castiel dropped the bottle to the floor. "What do you want me to say, Dean? That you're right? That I've fallen in the worst way imaginable? I already know all of that, it's not news to me. I'm sorry for what happened tonight, believe me I actually had no intention of drinking that much, but it just happened. And... I know it's my fault that Sean's dead and I'm sorry for it... I am..." He paused, shaking his head. "I knew it would come to this eventually, I knew that I would fuck up beyond belief... This just proves all the more that I... I shouldn't be here. So, once we return to camp I'll pack my things and leave, Dean. I'm leaving."

Dean snorted out a laugh, taking a step back because he was damn sure he'd punch the guy if he didn't.

"Oh that's just neat 'n clean ain't it? You're just gonna run away then?"

Castiel nodded. "Believe me it's for yours and our entire groups own good if I'm not there anymore. I've become a hindrance, and I can't take the risk of making another mistake like the one I've made tonight. Who's to say that when I do, that you or Sam aren't the ones killed and I'll be damned if I let that happen."

"Right," Dean nodded, running his hand down his face. "So, instead you're just gonna take off and get _yourself _killed. Yeah... That'll work, that's definitely what me and Sammy want."

He hated when Dean was sarcastic like that. He hated that Dean didn't _hate _him when he definitely should have. He'd made so many mistakes, had crumbled into a quivering mess, and throughout all of it Dean was there. He'd hide him away after he'd gotten drunk or stoned, he'd make up excuses as to why he couldn't go on runs or do other chores around the camp. Dean covered for him every damn time, and Castiel just couldn't understand how the man didn't loathe him yet... He should have...

"You have to admit," Castiel's voice had gone quiet. "That it would be much better at camp if I wasn't there."

"It'd be better for no one but you, Cas-" Dean replied. "Because you're so hellbent on feeling sorry for yourself that you don't give a rats ass about anything."

"What?" Castiel's eyes yet again shot up to his. "Feeling sorry for myself? That's what you think I'm doing?"

"Fuck yes that's what you're doing! You don't give a shit about anyone else that's hurting except yourself. Me and Sammy lost our sister too that day you asshole, and you don't give a shit about it. I raised Erin since she was a baby, I loved her just as much as you did, and you don't give a fuck... All you care about is how much it hurt _you _when she died, and I'm fucking sick of it." He started for the backdoor with Cas bounding after him. "You whine and you bitch about how you hate how you act, that you hate how you're drinking, popping pills and fucking every chick under the sun, but... Do you stop? No. Cause if you did then what the hell would you have to bitch about?"

Before Castiel could stop himself he suddenly lunged at Dean from behind and shoved him across the porch. Dean stumbled, but didn't quite lose his balance because since Cas was still half drunk, he wasn't very coordinated. But, that didn't stop him from swinging around and popping him square in the jaw. Cas however, did fall. He fell hard. He fell with a crack and crunch to the porch and only laid there seeing stars afterwards.

"You done?" Dean spat out, staring down at him with a scowl. "Cause ya know I could punch you out a few more times if I gotta."

Cas reached a hand up and rubbed his jaw, cringing because apparently, somehow, his lip got split as well.

"No," He grumbled back. "Once was enough."

Dean knelt over now and held his hand out, waiting for Cas to take it. Once he had, he yanked him back to his feet.

"You're right," Cas said now, then wiped his bloody lip on his sleeve. "You're right about everything. But... What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"What I did," Dean replied. "Fake it... Pretend that everything's normal because you just don't have any other choice, man."

Castiel managed a small chuckle because little did Dean know but he'd already attempted that very thing the day before and failed miserably.

"Fake it," He repeated. "Such an action sounds so simple."

"It ain't," Dean sat on the railing again. "I still wanna jump off a bridge sometimes because it'd be easier, but... I don't. I can't. Sammy needs me, you need me, everyone back and camp needs me and I can't let my own misery get all of you killed. And neither can you. So snap out of it, Cas. At least enough that you can function on a daily basis because it's not all about you... You got friends and family that kinda want you to stick around."

But would sticking around for them be enough? Castiel wasn't sure of that. He cared about Sam and Dean of course, they were like his brothers, but... He was beginning to question whether or not they were enough for him to snap out of all this mess. Especially since he was nothing but bad luck and brought danger to all of them.

"When we get back to camp," Castiel said. "I'll tell Sean's wife what happened. It was my fault, so... I should tell her."

Dean shook his head at that. "No... I lead our group, it's my responsibility. You wanna do me a favor, then you gotta promise that you're gonna snap out of it. If you won't do it for yourself then, hell... Do it for me and Sammy, okay?"

The only thing Castiel could do was nod in agreement at that, because what other choice did he have? It's not as though he could say no, and then cause Dean to scream at him or punch him again. Besides if it would put Dean's mind at ease and get him off his back, then... He was willing to lie if he had to.

"What now?" Cas asked, changing the subject. "What happens now?"

"Now... We stay awake and keep a look out til daylight, and hope that no more of those bastards show up. Then we keep on searching like we planned on doing."

Really it probably would have been better to simply abandon the mission and return back to their camp; but unfortunately they needed supplies for the coming winter months. Even though there was a good chance there were even more renegades somewhere in town, they had to take the risk.

* * *

><p>Dean kicked over a clump of mangled... Something. He had no idea what it was and a part of him didn't want to find out. All he knew was that partially hidden beneath this mangled lump of something was a dozen or more canned goods almost all of which were still intact.<p>

He tried to pretend that what he just kicked aside wasn't a decayed body, that the horrible stench filling the abandoned grocery store wasn't rotting flesh and rancid bodily fluids; but it was a little difficult. Some poor bastard obviously got himself torn apart in this place... Probably doing the same thing they were doing right, which was scavenging for food and supplies. Hopefully, their fates wouldn't be the same as that mans.

Dean quickly scooped up the cans, then moved onto another section pushing a rusted out grocery cart with everything he'd found.

"Ain't it funny, Sammy-" Dean said, passing his brother a glance from over the shelves. "Almost feels like old times, huh?"

Sam snorted pushing his own shopping cart with squeaking wheels. "Oh yeah... Remind me to get a six pack and some frozen pizzas before we go."

"Lottery tickets," Dean added snapping his fingers. "Whole mess of em." Now he glanced over the shelves until spotting Castiel sifting through more rubble. "What about you, Cas? What'd you want?"

Castiel tore his eyes off of a maggot infested glob of some sort of rotten food and shrugged. "A refrigerator and electricity, Dean."

"Amen to that," Jane said, moving up beside Dean with a shopping basket draped over her arm. "You never know how much you miss those kinda things til they're taken away from you."

"You know what I want?" Andrea chimed in. "A bath... A nice long bath with soap and shampoo and candles. That's what I want."

"Oh we got a diva in the building," Dean chuckled. "Hell, I'd take a hot shower for once."

"I want to change the subject," Rick bellowed, kicking over a shelf. "Cause it ain't like we're ever gonna have any of those things again."

Everyone's lightened mood was immediately zapped away with that, as they fell back into silence and continued searching. Dean had made it perfectly clear that they were to work in pairs, but it seemed Rick and Cas just didn't want to follow those orders. Cas kept wandering off by himself and Rick was making a racket by kicking and throwing stuff around. Not only that, Castiel noticed, but he wouldn't stop following him all over the place which was really starting to get on his nerves.

"Cas," Dean said, waving over the shelf. "Go check out the back storeroom and see if there's anything worth taking. Take Sam with you."

"I'll go," Rick nominated, which caused Castiel to grumble silently. "Can't let anyone go off on their own, right?"

Dean didn't hear that as he was distracted by what was left of some porno magazines, so Rick motioned over his shoulder.

"Well, let's go, buddy. Get it over with." He said, leading the way.

As it turns out the back storeroom was still stuffed with cardboard boxes, most of which had been torn apart but a few still remained so Castiel went straight to searching through them.

"Looks like we have," He said, sifting down deeper. "Boxes of crackers that are bound to be stale by now."

"We'll take em anyways," Rick said, stopping near his own box to scratch at his beard. "Can't leave nothin behind."

Cas nodded and stuffed them into his duffel, then moved onto another area that was positioned towards the back behind ceiling high shelves. There was a few little things here and there that were worth taking, like cans of tuna and chicken and even a few Vienna sausages. That was the only good thing about there being so little survivors... The food didn't get looted as badly.

He glanced over his shoulder a few times noticing that Rick was was moving closer until he practically had him pinned in the corner.

"Hey, Cas-" He said, eying him up and down. "So I, uh... I kinda overheard something disturbing last night."

Cas stood up straight and immediately dropped his duffel. "What?"

"Heard that it was your fault that those renegades busted in and attacked us. Heard Dean say that you were drunk... That you passed out, and because of that Sean died." He replied. "Did you know Sean was my best friend? We went to high school together, he was like my brother."

Castiel glanced past him, not seeing a way through the shelves or boxes so he knew this wasn't going to end well.

"Rick... I know that you won't believe it, but I'm extremely sorry for what happened last night. I never intended for anyone to get hurt, least of all Sean."

Rick shook his head. "Naw, you've gotten away with too much shit lately. I'm sick of Sam and Dean coverin for you all the damn time, and making up excuses. I know now... I know now what kinda person you are... You killed my best friend."

He knew what to expect, so he wasn't surprised at all when Rick suddenly lunged at him and pummeled him to the ground. He didn't fight back in the slightest and only covered his face and head with his arms as Rick took swing after swing. For the most part he only hit his arms, but every now and then he managed a couple punches to his face and side of his head. Still, Castiel didn't fight back and only lied there, before curling up into the fetal position.

"What the hell?!" He heard Dean shout before footsteps rushed over and Rick was forcefully pulled off of him. "Calm down! You hear, I said calm down!"

"That son of a bitch killed my friend!" Rick shrieked back. "He deserves a helluva lot worse than what I gave him!"

Dean struggled to hold him back, getting a strong push and shoving him backwards into one of the shelves.

"Calm down god dammit, or so help me-" Dean huffed out. "Cool it, Rick! Take a fucking walk!"

Rick shifted on his feet before throwing his arms up in the air and stomping out of the storeroom.

"Cas," Sam said, kneeling down and helping him sit up. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Cas grunted in reply, ignoring the trickle of blood that ran down from his temple. "I'm fine."

"What the hell happened?" Dean asked now.

Sam grabbed Cas' arm and yanked him to his feet, patting his shoulder once he got his balance.

"He overheard our conversation last night, Dean-" Castiel replied. "Needless to say he was angry about what happened to Sean. And I don't blame him. And I did deserve that."

"What-" Andrea swallowed inching her way closer. She and Jane had been standing back in stunned silence since they busted up the fight. "Why do you say you deserved that, Cas?"

"Because it's my fault Sean's dead, that's why." Cas snapped back.

"Cas," Dean shook his head. "Just shut the fuck up and let's get outa here."

"Why, Dean? Why should I hide what's clearly my fault? Why should we stand here and pretend that Rick didn't have the right to try and tear my head off when he did... It's my fault we were ambushed last night and it's my fault that Sean's dead," He reached behind him and grabbed his duffel. "It seems I can't keep anyone alive anymore... The rest of you should flee from me in the opposite direction."

He pushed past them and back through the store, rounding the back to where they kept the vehicles parked and threw his duffel in the SUV. Thankfully Dean didn't want to have another one of his talks, and no one else seemed to want to contribute to conversation either. Andrea, finally to his relief, seemed to be at a total loss so he didn't have to worry over her either.

Maybe he could finally get the solitude and silence he'd been craving for months now... Maybe finally everyone would just leave him the fuck alone to his own misery.

Before long they were back on the road, heading back towards camp. There wasn't any sign of life anywhere, there didn't seem to be anymore renegades towards the outskirts of town, not to mention any gangs of crazies.

Even though the trip had ended up killing one of their group members, overall it could have been a helluva lot worse. They finished up with a decent amount of supplies, at least enough to last a little while. But of course it wouldn't be long before another run would have to be made.

That's just how life was now a days.


	4. Chapter 4

It was strange how mundane and routine life around camp could become. And, Castiel was finding it an even more unpleasant experience because he had been sober ever since they returned from their supply run. After what happened with Sean... He just couldn't seem to let himself get to that point again. He was still drinking of course, at night before he went to sleep... But he never drank to the point he passed out anymore, or at least... He hadn't in several days.

Now, the sun was beating down on his shoulders and despite the chilly air he still found sweat beads forming on his upper lip and forehead which he was quick to wipe away. It just so happened that Dean put him in the garden that morning, because he seemed to feel some manual labor would help him.

Castiel however, didn't necessarily believe that.

He felt horrible. Tired, hungry, and just plain worn out. He knew for a fact he was dehydrated, alcohol will do that to you after all, and he hadn't eaten breakfast _or _dinner the night before as a matter of fact. Even though bending over and picking the last of the seasons tomatoes and digging up potatoes wasn't that difficult a job, Castiel felt as though he was going to collapse.

"Sun's hot," His partner that morning said. "Nice and hot."

Castiel barely passed her a glance. He found that she was one of the only people in camp that didn't wear on his nerves.

Missouri was her name, and apparently she was a psychic, and after the world went and died on them she somehow managed to make her way straight for their group. Sam and Dean knew her from the past and were quick to accept her. As a matter of fact the brothers adored the woman, almost like she were a mother.

"It won't be for long," Castiel finally replied, leaning against the garden hoe he held. "Before long winter will be here and the weather will be far from pleasant."

"That's the way it goes, honey-" Missouri replied, standing straight with her overloaded basket in her arms. "Things have to die in order for new life to grow."

"Hm," He huffed and went back to breaking the compact dirt. "A little morbid sounding isn't it?"

"Talkin about plants and things like that, baby-" She chuckled. "Not people."

He knew that already... But it still didn't sound any less morbid.

"How're you doin anyways?" She asked, moving to another row of tomatoes. "Haven't talked to ya in what feels like weeks."

That's because it _was _weeks, Castiel thought. This was the time of year he despised the most after all. Erin died during this time of year, which was why he was even more insistent on drinking himself into stupors daily. Which meant he wasn't seen very often, he always kept himself locked in his cabin.

"I'm fine," He replied, not looking the woman in the eye because she always knew when he was lying. In fact, it didn't even require looking her in the eye for her to sense that. "I'm getting by anyhow."

"Mhm," She stopped, eying him up and down. "You don't fool me none, you know that, boy."

"I know," He nodded, even more vigorously hacking at the dirt with his garden hoe. "But... You also know that I'm not much for talking about my emotions."

"Mhm," She repeated, pursing her lips at that. "And you know that if you just talked to someone then maybe it'd help you."

"I've spoken to Dean on numerous occasions and-"

"I mean someone that didn't know Erin, at least not like you all did." She interrupted.

He stopped and stood up straight, huffing out a deep breath. "Why? I would think that speaking with someone who can relate to the loss would be more beneficial than someone who didn't even know her?"

"Why, so you could both mope and be sad together?" She shook her head. "No, you need an impartial party."

"I think I'll pass on that, thank you." He resumed with digging.

Missouri moved on to the last tomato plant and started picking the fruit, even the ones that weren't near ripe.

"Felt a shift in the air," She said now, giving him another quick glance. "Feels like something's coming."

"Something's coming?" He stood up straight again. "You mean like-"

"Not no crazies or renegades, but it's something I can't quite put my finger on," She tsked. "But it's something big... Something important... Something that's definitely gonna change things around here."

He squinted. "That sounds vaguely ominous."

"Well," She shrugged. "That's what happens when we live in a world like this now a days, honey. But, really... I just-" She paused, seeming to get frustrated at herself as she shook her head. "It don't feel like something bad. At least not... Not bad in the sense that we're gonna be in danger."

"Then?" He questioned.

"Maybe something positive-" She then nodded. "Yeah... Somethin tells me it's gonna be something positive."

Castiel now crouched down at the recent hole he'd dug and began yanking out potatoes, discouraged to see that they were ridiculously small.

"Positive for whom exactly?" He replied.

"For you... For the boys... For... I don't know, maybe all of us... I just can't tell."

"I can't think of something that could be positive for all of us. Unless of course it pertained to some sort of good luck when it comes to supply runs or something of that nature," Castiel sat back on his knees staring up at the sky. "Or, maybe we'll get lucky and the snow will skip over us this winter."

Missouri chuckled pleasantly at that. "Sorry, hon; that's not gonna happen. I already saw it, and we're gonna be blanketed in snow this winter."

He frowned at that, just seeing himself stuck in a five foot snow bank freezing his limbs off.

"Well, anyhow-" He went on, pulling up the last of the potatoes. "I suppose we'll just have to wait and see."

"Mhm," Missouri stood with her basket of vegetables. "So are you gonna help me in canning these?"

"Me?" Castiel's face fell blank. "I haven't the slightest idea in-"

"I'll teach you," She smiled. "C'mon, sweetie; give an old woman a hand with this basket."

Castiel stood and took the basket from her, lugging both his and hers at the same time as they descended the small hill and went back into camp. Really, Missouri wasn't old, at least she wasn't old and decrepit, but Castiel knew she was just trying to as she had phrased it before, "kick his butt into shape". She was trying to keep him moving, keep him working hard, so his mind would be distracted and he might stay away from the bottle for once.

It seemed to be working, at least for the moment. Because it was nearing lunch time and he hadn't had a craving to take a drink yet, which was definitely unusual. And, he managed to keep Erin out of his mind for those hours too, at least the negative memories. Every now and then he would feel himself smiling over some little thing that had happened in the past, but... As far as the bad, his mind was clear of that for now.

Had Castiel not been in a foul mood from the weather, being dehydrated and starving, he might have actually thought it was a halfway decent day.

It was a little better however once he moved under the food stations awning and was shielded from the sun. But that soon changed once he and Missouri actually started the canning process. It didn't take long for the area to be enveloped in smoke and hot steam, and he found that he was starting to sweat to the point his shirt was sticking to his chest and back.

"Looks like you're workin hard," Dean said, moving up to the food station. "So how much vegetables do we got?"

"Enough I think," Missouri nodded, motioning to the line of jars that they were working on. "Enough to last the winter I think if we're careful."

"Awesome," Dean nodded, then eyed Cas. "So you wanna take a walk for a second?"

Castiel stopped and nodded fervently. "Yes, I need a breath of fresh air."

"Don't be gone long," Missouri nagged. "I got more work for you."

Castiel fled the station quickly, following Dean past the vehicles and towards the activities building.

"So we got a project goin on," Dean said. "Remember how Axel said we could use a smokehouse?"

Castiel nodded. "And then he left on his hike and that was the last we heard of it... Yes."

"Well we're clearing the area and getting the material ready for it to be built. It's gonna come in pretty handy in the winter when it comes to meat. We could hunt more often since we wouldn't have to worry about anything spoiling."

"Sounds like a decent enough idea, but wouldn't it be better to wait for Axel?"

Axel, as far as the entire camp was concerned, was a complete godsend. He was the pure definition of a mountain man. He knew everything about hunting and surviving in the wilderness and would go on what he called hikes every month, and when he would return he almost always had a hoard of animal pelts or edible plants and bundles of medicinal herbs. The man really was a godsend in Castiel's opinion.

And no sooner had the mans name been mentioned did they hear the familiar clip clop of a horses hooves and with a quick glance over their shoulder they saw him galloping back into camp.

"Hell," Dean said with a chuckle. "Maybe we got summoning powers or something."

Castiel said nothing and instead followed Dean back up the way and to where Axel had steered his horse to a stop.

Axel was in his late fifties by the looks of him, had a thick long beard and was as sturdy and stout as a tree trunk. In everyone's opinion the man was invincible.

"Hey, Axel-" Dean said, throwing a wave up in the air. "How'd it go?"

"Good, Dean, real good." He replied, climbing down from the saddle. "But, uh... We gotta talk, buddy. I think we might have a problem."

Dean groaned at that. "Figures... What now?"

"Lemme get everything unloaded and then we can talk. You probably want your brother sittin in on it anyways."

Castiel and Dean helped him in loading all the animal pelts and duffel full of plants and herbs to the food station and dropped it off. They would have to go through and sort everything later, because apparently there was another earth shattering issue getting ready to descend upon them.

Once they had met up with Sam at the mess hall, they took a seat on some outdoor picnic tables and Axel got started.

"On my way back I found somethin," He said. "About ten miles through the forest I came across a gang. At first I thought it was crazies, but-" He shook his head. "No, it ain't. They're renegades and by the looks of em, they're damn rowdy."

Dean sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ten miles is too close for comfort, Axel. Did they show any signs of moving on?"

"Nope, got a nice set up at some run down motel. Don't look like they're goin anywhere."

"How many are there?" Sam asked now. "Round about."

"Near as I could tell, maybe eight... Ten... Could be more, don't know for sure if any was in the old motel or not. But, uh-" He paused, clearing his throat and shaking his head. "Dean, they got themselves a prisoner."

Dean sat up straight after that. "A prisoner."

"Yeah, from what I could see, a girl. And, damn... That poor thing is goin through hell there. I stayed close and watched them for a good day to observe and see if maybe they wouldn't be trouble. And... The things they did to that poor little thing... Be kinder just to shoot the girl and put her out of her misery."

Sam sighed at that, his brows pressing together. "Well, that's not a big surprise. We knew already that renegades were sadistic monsters."

"Yeah but this is different," Axel went on. "She looks damn near starved to death, and they got her on a leash."

"A leash?" Castiel retorted. "You mean an actual leash?"

"Yeah, she's chained to the ground by a metal collar on her throat. They kick her around and just... It's really bad." Axel ran his hand down his beard. "I would've tried to rescue the poor thing, but... One man against ten renegades, odds weren't in my favor."

"Yeah, no, no... You wouldn't have wanted to go in there alone," Dean nodded. "You did right by coming back."

"So it wasn't just the prisoner you wanted to tell us about, was it?" Sam asked. "There's more?"

Axel nodded. "Yeah, they're stocked with so much food and supplies it would feed a small town. I don't know where they got it all, unless they've just been stealing and raiding other survivors camps. But, I saw crates of canned goods, weapons and ammunition, and several cans of gasoline." He huffed out a deep breath. "Enough to last our group months."

Dean was up and on his feet by now, pacing around the picnic table and listening to the wind in the trees.

"Ten you said? There was ten of em?" He asked.

"Maybe more, I can't say for sure." Axel replied.

Stopping now, Dean averted his eyes to the sky before passing a glance to Sam and Castiel.

"What'd you two think?" He nodded at them.

"I think," Sam sighed. "That at the very least we need to get that girl out of there. Rescue mission first, and nabbing their supplies if we can would be last in line."

Axel actually seemed relieved at that. He was the harshest looking man you'd ever meet but inside he was a teddy bear.

"So what's the plan then?" Castiel asked. "Are we going to assemble a team, or is it going to just be the three of us?"

"Like old times," Sam chuckled. "Right?"

Dean nodded. "Normally I'd say yeah, the three of us would be enough. But with knowing they got some innocent girl there, it'd be better if we took someone else. We're gonna need s'more men in on this. Jane and Rick, maybe even Gibson since he's good with a knife."

"Jane because most likely the girl is going to require medical treatment," Castiel sighed. "Sometimes I'm still amazed at what the world's become and that people can be so cruel to one another."

Dean was yet again pacing. "How good are we in fuel in the ATV's?"

"Got enough to get us there and back," Sam replied with a nod.

"Draw us up a map, Axel-" Dean commanded now. "And we'll leave at dusk. Cover of darkness won't hurt matters any if we're going up against so many renegades."

* * *

><p>"I count seven," Dean whispered as he stared down at the renegade group with his binoculars. "No wait... Scratch that. I count nine."<p>

"Nine confirmed," Sam nodded. "I don't see movement anywhere else on the grounds."

Castiel was crouched down with them behind a batch of felled trees on the hill overlooking the motel. So far, he hadn't had the opportunity to lend a hand in observing the renegades, he was too occupied fashioning several homemade molotovs.

"How's that comin, Cas?" Dean asked.

"I have three, that's all the fuel we could spare, Dean." He replied.

"Then we'll have to be smart in how we use em," Dean sighed. "It's gonna be tough."

Tough because they were limited on ammunition as well, which meant they couldn't go in guns blazing and instead would have to come up with a stealth filled plan that could get them onto the property without being noticed.

"Jane," Sam said now. "You, Andrea and Crista stay back while we go in. Try your best to pick off any stragglers. If... If for some reason we get ambushed, then you take off back towards the east, wait three days to make sure you're not followed... Then head back to camp."

Jane nodded, looking just as apprehensive about this mission as they did. "Okay. Got it."

Finishing with the molotovs, Castiel handed one to Dean and Sam, and the third to Axel who had insisted on coming on the mission as well. After that he finally turned to take a look at what they would be dealing with.

Immediately he was stricken stiff and mute as his eyes locked onto the motel sign at the front of the property. The name "Rising Sun Motel", wasn't at all surprising, no... But it was the rusted metal sun symbol that was busted in half and hanging from frayed wires that forced Castiel to go completely still.

In the most recent dream he had with Erin in it, she had given him a strange message to look towards the broken sun. Naturally at the time he had dismissed it as nothing but a dream brought on but his drunken stupor, but now... Now he had to admit that it was eerily coincidental that he would see a broken sun, of all things, here and now. Still, he tried to shake it off and focus on the renegades down below.

He rose his own binoculars and stared down at the huge bonfire they had going. There were eight men, and one woman besides the prisoner that at the moment he couldn't see. And Axel was correct when he stated they seemed to be rather rowdy. They were clearly on their way to being inebriated, and were screaming and cursing and just being... Barbarians.

"I don't see the prisoner," Castiel whispered. "Are you certain that's what this girl was, Axel?"

"Yeah," He whispered back. "Had the poor girl in chains, so what other reason would-"

His words cut off when from around the side of the motel another man emerged and he was dragging who was clearly the prisoner behind him. She was fighting him as well as she could with being starved to practically skin and bones, but he was a good one hundred pounds heavier than her and she couldn't pull free. Immediately everyone noticed that she was wearing some sort of blindfold, one that covered all of her face but her chin.

"Shit." Dean said, running his hand down his face. "Guess that's her."

"It is," Axel confirmed. "Poor thing."

Whoever she was, she wasn't dressed in anything fitting for the cooler temperatures. What was left of a paper thin tattered tank top, and a pair of torn black sweat pants that were three sizes too large was all her thin frame adorned. No shoes or socks, nothing else at all.

The man dragged her back to the main bonfire and with a yank threw her with a crunch to the hard ground where she immediately curled up in the fetal position. Now that she was closer, the men could see that her hair was brown and filthy, and had been hacked off in clumps until it was uneven and jaw length. It was also hard to miss the bruises that lined up and down her arms.

No one said anything... No one commented on the situation at all. But it was completely obvious what was being done to the girl while being with these renegades.

"Okay," Dean said, his voice suddenly despondent. "Sam, Cas and me will round the back from the left, you, Rick and Gibson take the right. You don't make a move until we do, got it?"

Axel nodded. "Right."

"Let's go, and remember... We don't fire our pistols unless we got no other choice, and... Be careful of that girl down there, we don't want to accidentally hit her." Dean finished.

With a wave over his shoulder, Sam and Cas followed his lead as they kept down low and moved across the hill overlooking the motel. Thankfully it was near pitch black out, thanks to the moonless sky, and the light from the bonfire didn't reach them as they descended the hill and moved up behind the buildings. Their footsteps were silent as well, not that it mattered... With the racket the renegades were making they wouldn't have been able to hear a train blaring past.

The first bastard they set their sights on was a drunk man that was stumbling his way from the bonfire, spouting gibberish about finding a bush to take a piss.

They stayed down in the shadows behind the burnt out remains of a pickup, watching as the man hobbled past and found his bush before Sam jumped up and clamped a hand over his mouth and quickly slit his throat right down to the bone. With severing his windpipe, the man couldn't scream, and only gurgled on the ground quickly bleeding to death. Afterwards they dragged him out of sight and into the bushes, leaving him there.

Now, they tried to find a way of busting in there and taking out everyone else, while not harming the prisoner.

Dean turned and looked to Sam and Castiel and didn't speak with words, but instead hand signals, telling them to separate.

The motel was three separate buildings that formed a large U and in the center of the U was the bonfire and renegades. So, Dean ordered Castiel to go behind the center building, while Sam was to go left from their current position. Dean was going to stay right where he was and hope another straggler passed that he could take out because he just didn't know how to bust in there without getting his entire group and himself killed. If they would just keep drinking themselves into stupors and unconsciousness then it would make the mission a helluva lot simpler.

Finally he said to hell with it, because they had Rick, Gibson and Axel waiting to jump out, not to mention the girls up on the hill with their rifles ready to lend a helpful shot.

With a deep breath he was on his feet and pulled out his machete because it had a longer reach than his hunting knife. He darted out from his hiding spot and rushed into the group taking out two men before anyone even realized what was happening. After that things exploded as their leader started screaming out orders and more men seemed to roll their way out of the motel rooms.

By the time they stopped, fifteen men in total were fighting against Dean and his group, and shots started ringing out from the hills as bodies started falling. The prisoner had crawled her way to hide as far as the chain on her ankle would allow as she curled up in the fetal position and covered her head with her arms, jumping and shivering at every shriek and shot.

Castiel darted from the center of the fire once noticing one of the men trying to break the girls chain and pull her away. After reaching him and giving him a sharp shove, the man fell to the ground and stayed down after Castiel ran him through with his former angel blade. He hadn't wielded that weapon in what felt like decades... It was strange how he missed it.

The girl had moved farther away from the scene after that, curled up under a makeshift awning that was surrounded by crates and barrels. Her blindfold was discarded by now, but it didn't matter... They still couldn't see her face.

The bloodbath continued until their leader was the last man standing, who Dean was quick to disarm and kick him on the knees sending him to the ground.

"Watch him." Dean said, giving that order to Castiel.

Dean moved past all the bodies and gore, making sure that everyone was dead and also checking on his own group, which thankfully were fine for the most part. The only injuries it seemed was a gash on Gibson's forearm, and a bloody nose on Axel. Definitely could have been worse.

"Dean," Sam said, motioning him to the awning. "Over here."

Dean jogged his way over, noticing the prisoner was pushed up as far against the crates as possible with her knees tucked into her chest and her arms still covering her head.

"Hey," He said, minding his tone. "It's okay... Everything's gonna be fine now. We're not gonna hurt you."

Her breathing quickened as she continued to shudder, but didn't speak.

"You try, Sammy-" Dean said, nudging his brother. "Give 'er the puppy dog thing."

Sam bitch faced at him before inching his way closer. "It's alright, all of the men who hurt you are gone now, go ahead and look for yourself. You're gonna be okay."

She was still shaking but did at least manage to peak her eyes out from her arms and gaze up at him.

For a moment Sam flinched... Actually flinched because he knew those eyes... He'd seen them before.

Finally her arms lowered completely and now Dean's eyes went wide as he dropped his machete to the ground.

"Oh my god..." He muttered. "Erin..."

Sam had gone completely stiff, but his breath was coming in fast short pants.

"Erin?" He muttered, keeping his tone quiet. "Hey, hey, it's okay... It's gonna be okay."

It was no wonder they didn't recognize their sister. She was practically skin and bones and her long hair had been chopped off... That and of course there was a look of fear and panic in her hazel eyes that was never there before.

Dean knelt down in front of her, trying to keep himself calm. "Erin? You know me and Sammy, right?"

But she didn't say anything and instead pushed herself back farther to get away from him.

"It's okay," Sam knelt down too. "Just calm down, take it easy... I know you're freaking out but everything's gonna be okay now," He bit back tears. "We're here now... It's okay."

She blinked several times over, before pressing her lips together tightly and suddenly darting up from her position and diving over the crates and running off towards the back of the motel.

"Dammit." Dean jumped to his feet and chased after her with Sam right behind him.

For being so weak she was surprisingly fast and spry, and it took Dean having to sprint at full speed to actually hook an arm around her waist which resulted in her letting out a blood curdling scream.

"Erin stop, it's okay!" He said, trying to keep her from wriggling out of his grasp. "We're not gonna hurt you, don't you remember me? It's Dean, your brother!"

She continued to fight against him, but he dragged her back towards the bonfire before she managed to get loose and yet again crawled to a safe distance and threw her arms over her head.

"What's going on?" Castiel rushed over. "Why is she..."

Now his words trailed off once he noticed those hazel eyes peaking out at him through the gap in her arms. After that, he was thoroughly convinced that every ounce of air had been smacked right out of him. His heart started pounding as the blood drained from his face.

"O-Oh my god..." He croaked out. "Is that..."

"Cas come with me," Dean said, latching onto his arm and yanking him away just as the girls ran down from the hill.

"Dean let me go!" Cas shouted frantically. "That was... That was Erin!"

"I know!" Dean replied, jerking him to a stop. "I know it's Erin, man. But she don't know us. She's freaking out and she's terrified and the last thing she needs is you hanging all over her. Just... Calm down and-"

"Calm down?!" Cas was practically in tears. "Dean, that's your sister over there, the woman we've thought was dead for the last three years and you-"

"I know," Dean cut him off again, choking back a sob. "But... She's hurt, and she's scared... And... She don't need to be overrun with a bunch of men she might not even recognize anymore. Not after..." He paused as a tear rolled down his cheek. "Not after everything she's been goin through here with these bastards. You understand?"

"What's going on?" Jane asked, after running down from the hill. "What's wrong?"

Dean ran his hand down his face, watching Sam in the background as he stood guard over Erin.

"She's hurt," Dean replied, swallowing a knot in his throat. "That's uh... That's our sister Erin, and she..." He stopped and blew out a deep breath. "Can you just go over and check her out, please? She's scared and she might trust a woman more than us."

Jane looked stunned speechless but nodded despite it. "Of course, Dean. Just wait here and I'll look her over. Girls, give me a hand."

Crista was quick to follow her and Andrea pulled up the rear before giving Castiel a flabbergasted stare which he didn't even notice.

"Dean," He said once the women had moved on past and all of the men had grouped together at the edge of the camp. "I need... I need to be over there. What if she wants me over there?"

"Just calm down, Cas," Sam said, swallowing hard. "Just let Jane do her work and then we'll... We'll figure out what to do next."

Cas started pacing anxiously, rubbing the back of his neck which was something he found he did whenever he was about ready to snap.

This felt like a dream... Or... A nightmare, he wasn't certain which. To think that Erin was alive... She had been alive this entire god damned time and he had no idea. Not only that but she was trapped here with these monsters who tortured her and did god knows what else.

His eyes fell over to the leader of the renegade group that was tied to a truck bed with Axel guarding him.

Before he could stop himself he grabbed his angel blade and stomped across the motel parking lot and dove at the man, punching him over and over again in the face and busting his nose, his jaw and even shattering his cheekbone before Dean and Sam both had to pry him off.

"Stop!" Dean shouted. "Cas, knock it off! This isn't something she needs to see right now!"

"Let me go!" He shrieked back. "That bastard hurt her!"

"And he'll get his," Dean finished before they dragged him away to a safe distance. "He's gonna get his, Cas; but first he's gotta answer some questions for us. Now calm the fuck down before Erin sees you acting like this."

Cas jerked himself out of his grasp and took a few steps away, taking slow deep breaths. He finally managed to calm down, at least enough that he was no longer shaking but he continued on with the pacing.

A good thirty minutes passed before Jane emerged from the other side of the bonfire and let out a sigh.

"How is she?" Dean asked before anyone else could.

Swallowing once over, Jane shook her head. "That poor thing's been... Dean you _know _what they've been doing to her."

Sam turned away after that, his shoulders going completely rigid and Dean's stomach immediately began to churn. Castiel, just as he had been since the entire thing started didn't have a trace of color to his cheeks and looked on the verge of passing out.

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "But she's, uh... She's gonna be okay, right? I mean, we'll fix her up and we'll do whatever we gotta do, but... She's gonna be okay?"

Jane brushed her hair back. "Physically she should be okay, if we get some food and water in her and make sure her wounds don't get infected. But that's not saying how she is mentally."

"Did she say anything?" Cas asked. "Anything at all?"

"No," Jane shook her head. "She didn't say a word. I'm just glad that she didn't fight us at all when we were trying to fix her up." She rubbed her temples and passed a quick glance to Sam who had finally returned to facing them. "Anyways, she's cleaned up and we put her in some clean warm clothes that we found in one of the renegades packs. What we need to do now is get some food in her, and some water... Then... We'll see how she's doing tomorrow."

Cas scooted to the right slightly, trying to see past all the crates and vehicles and at Erin. He barely caught a glimpse of her sitting in the same position with her knees in her chest and her face buried in her arms. Before Dean yanked him back she just barely shifted her eyes to his.

He could have swore he caught a glimpse of familiarity in her eyes... Past all the sadness, the fear and panic... He could have swore she recognized him.

He could only hope so... Because the only thing he had wanted for the last three years was having Erin back again... Even if it meant their relationship from the past just being a distant memory, he didn't care... He was just relieved, thrilled and ecstatic to see that she was alive. But it was more than just her being alive, he knew that... She was hurt, and more than just physically, but he swore that he would take care of her, no matter what.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel still wasn't convinced this wasn't a dream. He just couldn't seem to pound it into his head that this was reality. That Erin was really alive, that she was sitting right across the camp from him. His stomach was still churning at the thought. Knowing that she was alive and being so horrifically tortured for all this time and all the while he was wallowing in his own self pity, getting drunk and stoned and just...

He didn't think he would ever be able to forgive himself for that...

They should have tried harder to find her. After she got pulled into that crowd of crazies they shouldn't have just assumed she was killed, and tried to search for her. Castiel wanted to, in fact he had went out there on his own every day for a week after Erin got taken and tried to find a trace of evidence that she was alive. Which, there wasn't anything. Nothing but a giant bloody mark on the pavement where the crazies had surrounded her, and bits of clothes and skin. He had no choice but to think it was hers at that time... It made sense.

But now... Now he wanted to physically beat himself senseless for not realizing sooner that that obviously wasn't a pack of crazies that nabbed her. It was obviously renegades, but it was just so hard to tell the difference on most occasions. Both groups were insane, both were evil and wicked, it's just the only exception was that renegades kept their victims alive to use as slaves or... Or for other horrible purposes; which was obviously what they had done with Erin.

He stopped pacing for what felt like the millionth time that night, wringing his hands together and trying to take subtle glances over the crates and to the bonfire where Erin was still curled up. So far Dean had made it evident they weren't going to overwhelm her. She felt safer with only the women near her, so they would give her time and then maybe try to talk to her.

Needless to say that Castiel couldn't have been more impatient about that. Of course he wanted to do what was best for Erin, and if maintaining his distance was what was best right now then he would do it. But that didn't mean it wasn't difficult.

"Hey," Jane said, rounding her way around the crates and stopping beside Dean. "Look uh... There's gotta be some food or something in some of these crates. Do you think we could go through them so we could maybe get Erin to eat something?"

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "Guess you're right about that. We didn't pack any provisions this time, so... Let's get to it-" He quickly latched onto Castiel's jacket sleeve once he made a move towards the crates near the bonfire. "You open the crates, you search through them, and you stay away from her, dude... Leave her alone. Don't talk to her, don't even look at her... We don't want her to freak out again, okay?"

Castiel glared at Dean with his eyes squinted. "I know, Dean. I'm not an idiot."

He jerked his arm free and started for the campsite, which thankfully had been cleared away of bodies and gore. And even though Dean told him not to, he let his eyes flick to Erin who was laying on her side on a makeshift bedroll, still in the fetal position. For the moment she looked to be sleeping, but Castiel knew better than to believe that. She was probably wide awake and just listening in silence, trying to get the feel for what was happening and gather her bearings.

Jane had put her in what was obviously a mans sweatshirt, it was dark with some sort of sporting logo etched into the front. Her torn sweat pants were replaced with a pair of thick flannel pajama bottoms, and covering her feet were warm wool socks and slippers with a faux fur lining. She looked much warmer than before and was no longer shivering, even though her hair was still slightly damp from being washed.

He was convinced that if they could just get her to eat and drink something, and she got a decent nights rest then she would eventually start to come around... Maybe she might even speak.

But, one step at a time... First and foremost was getting her healthy again, and making certain that she knew she was safe now.

He moved to a crate on the opposite side of the bonfire, across from Erin. He was quick to yank the lid off and sift through straw until pulling out bottles of what appeared to be kerosine. Definitely something that would come in handy during the winter months when they needed to burn lanterns.

After carefully moving that crate aside he yanked the lid off a second one and sifted through old newspaper this time until pulling out cans of soup.

"We got food here." He said, and from the corner of his eye he noticed Erin flinch awake.

Jane moved over and grabbed a few of the cans and immediately went to the fire before passing Erin a kind smile. "Don't worry, sweetie; we'll get this heated up and maybe you can finally be warm, huh?"

Erin said nothing, only sat up and scooted back against more crates with her knees tucked into her chest. And try as he might not to blatantly gawk at her, Castiel couldn't help but notice she was equally eyeballing him too.

But, even though he was dying to say something to her, he did as Dean said and moved on to another crate and started sifting through it. And it practically killed him to do that. He didn't want Erin to think something negative, that he was avoiding her, that he might have been disgusted by her or some nonsense like that.

Fifteen minutes later the soup Jane had put over the fire was boiling hot and filling up the area with a pleasant aroma. She poured a serving in a small cup and then moved over and knelt down in front of Erin.

"Here you go," She said, holding the cup out. "It's pretty hot though so be careful, okay?"

But she didn't take it, and didn't even budge as a matter of fact. She only stared at the cup in Jane's hand with her eyes nothing short of petrified.

"It's okay," Jane smiled. "Really, it's still good. Smells pretty damn good too, doesn't it?"

Castiel stopped what he was doing to watch the both of them, knowing why it was Erin wasn't taking the cup. She was afraid to.

Seconds after that the obnoxious rumble of one of their ATV's cut over the air as Sam and Axel pulled to a stop just on the outskirt of the campsite. They had left a good thirty minutes prior to check out the surrounding area and making certain that there weren't any renegades that managed to escape the skirmish earlier.

"Dean." Sam said, waving him over.

Dean stopped what he was doing to pass a quick glance to his sister and then Castiel. "Yeah, I'm coming. Be right back you guys."

Jane was the only one that acknowledged him with a nod and Castiel watched him jog across the motel parking lot and stop at the ATV.

Now he moved from the crate and inched his way over to Jane who was still trying to urge Erin into taking the soup.

"Here," He said, sitting down on his knees beside her. "Let me take over."

"But Dean said..."

"I know what Dean said," Castiel interrupted. "It'll be fine. Just... Let me."

Jane sighed and shook her head. "Fine... It's your funeral, Cas."

She handed over the cup of soup and made her way back to the other side of the campfire, taking a seat. Andrea and Crista were lingering in the background, and while Crista was watching the scene anxiously, concern for Erin written all over her face, Andrea was too preoccupied with watching Castiel's every move.

Now that Castiel was actually sitting so closely to her, he didn't know what to say or do. The last thing he wanted to do was frighten her, so he made sure to stay a good foot or so away to maintain some distance.

"I know you've got to be hungry, Erin-" He said, hating that his first words to her after three years pertained to old canned soup. "It's alright... You can take it."

Still, she didn't budge and only kept her eyes fixed on his.

"I'm sure it probably tastes pretty good, considering," He sighed and examined her closely. "Maybe I should taste it first though?"

He knew the reason why she wasn't taking it was because her captors had probably done horrible things to whatever food they did give her. They might have laced it with something to make her sick, or did something even worse than that. So, he brought the cup to his lips and took a quick sip, raising his brows after he swallowed it.

"That's actually really good," He smiled faintly. "It's been a while since I've had soup." He held it out to her again. "So, do you want some?"

Now he finally got a reaction from her as she unfolded her arms from her knees and wobbly reached a hand out and took the cup. After she had it firmly in her grasp she quickly pulled it closer and practically choked as she inhaled several scalding gulps.

"Slow down," He said, keeping his tone gentle. "You don't want to make yourself sick."

She flinched slightly before doing as he said, slowing down and taking small sips every now and then. And even though she wasn't speaking she was still examining practically every inch of him.

"Everything's going to be fine now, Erin." He said, swallowing hard. "I'm... I'm so sorry for everything you've been going through here with these monsters," He watched her slow even more on her soup, and move her eyes to the ground. "I hope you know that I'm going to do whatever I can to help you. I promise, and... Even if you don't remember me, or Dean and Sam, I-" Yet again he paused once he noticed Erin's eyes shoot back quickly to his. "Or maybe you do remember us... You do remember us don't you?"

But she didn't speak or even nod, instead she just slurped up the last of her soup and lowered the empty cup to the ground.

"More?" He asked, taking the cup. "There's plenty."

His heart skipped a beat when she finally did respond, giving the faintest of nods in answer.

"Coming right up." He tried passing her a smile but it came out stiff and awkward... For a moment he felt like he did in the very beginning when he was constantly awkward and nervous.

When he turned back towards the bonfire his movements halted when he noticed both Sam and Dean glaring at him. Dean, naturally, looked angry that Castiel had disobeyed his orders and was not only speaking to Erin but sitting right next to her. But, Castiel ignored that as he refilled the cup with more soup and turned back to Erin.

Dean very well couldn't scold him right in front of her, or at all actually. Because she was refusing to eat and he managed to coax her into taking the soup. Jane didn't seem to be having an impact on her, perhaps because she was a stranger, which proved all the more that she remembered him.

"Here you go," He said, passing another stiff smile, still ignoring Sam and Dean. "Drink up."

She just as timidly took the cup a second time and started sipping at it, only now she kept shifting her eyes over to her brothers. Before long, they both moved closer and she went stiff slightly while keeping her eyes fixed on her soup.

"Hey," Dean said, and Castiel was surprised to see the anger in his eyes was gone. "So, uh... Sammy and Axel made a pass through the property surrounding and everything seems to be clear, so," He eyed Erin closely. "We're gonna stick it out here for a day or two to let her get her strength back, then we'll head on home."

Castiel nodded. "That's probably a good idea."

"It's gonna take several trips to lug all this stuff back to camp," Sam added. "So Axel and Gibson nominated themselves to start that while we wait it out here. So, you wanna give us a hand in loading things into the ATV?"

Castiel squinted up at both of them. "Actually I think I would rather-"

"Cas," Dean cut him off, his tone going harsh. "Come help us load everything up, okay?"

He let out a sigh and nodded. "Alright fine, I'll help."

Just as he was prepared to stand, Erin suddenly reached over and latched onto his wrist preventing him from moving. And he wasn't the only one surprised and speechless by the action, Sam and Dean couldn't seem to form any words either. They only stared at her, before Dean finally snapped out of it and crouched down beside her.

"Hey," He said. "It's gonna be okay, Erin. Cas ain't goin anywhere, you hear? If you want him to stay then he'll stay." All three of them noticed her eyes immediately tear up. "Guess that means you remember us, huh?"

She yet again nodded ever so faintly in answer as Dean inched ever closer.

"You're gonna be fine now, kid-" He went on, reaching over and taking her free hand. "We got you now, okay?"

For the third time she nodded.

"So, eat up and get some rest so we can get outa here." He took a chance by leaning over and kissing her forehead, thankful that she didn't tense up or pull away.

When he stood Sam moved his way closer and took his spot, and he knew by now that his sister didn't like to be coddled, at least not to the extreme and especially not when it concerned something like this. So, he simply pulled out his canteen of water and laid it beside her.

"We got the place covered, and we'll each be taking shifts tonight so you can sleep easily." He paused and let out a deep breath. "I'm glad you're back, Erin. I missed you."

She tried her best to blink the tears away before grabbing the canteen and taking a nice long gulp.

"Let's get back to work, Sammy," Dean concluded. "We got a long night ahead of us."

Sam nodded, laid his hand on Erin's shoulder for a few seconds, before standing and following Dean towards the ATV. Once they were out of hearing range, Castiel let out a sigh.

"They're just as relieved as I am to see you again, Erin." He said. "You have no idea how much we've all missed you." He watched her closely, noticing her hands pause with the cup of soup. "I'm going to take care of you from here on out, alright? I promise. You're never leaving my sight again."

She swallowed hard, as he could see tears brimming in her eyes.

"It's alright if you cry, Erin. You can cry all you want." He added.

After hearing that she completely froze, before suddenly dropping the cup she held and reaching over, wrapping her arms around his neck. He was stunned stiff by the embrace for several seconds, before finally breaking of the trance and wrapping his arms tightly around her as well. She refused to let go as she quietly sobbed into his shoulder, and he struggled not to do the very same thing.

"It's okay," He said, his voice on the verge of shaking. "It's okay now."

He stroked the back of her head as her sobs died down to quiet whimpers every now and then, and several minutes passed before she had fallen silent.

"You need to rest, Erin." He said, still stroking the back of her head. "If you want me to stay with you then I will, but you need to rest."

She only sighed deeply, moving into a more comfortable position as she rested her head on his chest. She refused to let go of him, keeping a firm grip on his jacket even as she started to drift off into sleep.

An hour passed before Dean made his way back across camp, sitting down beside Castiel.

"Least she's finally asleep." He said. "Did she say anything?"

Castiel shook his head, lightly running his fingertips over her shoulders, hoping it would keep her relaxed and asleep. "No, she hasn't said anything."

Thankfully she didn't even flinch after he spoke, which meant she was completely out cold.

"Those sons a bitches got off easy," Dean went on, swallowing back a knot in his throat. "What they did to her... They got off easy."

"We shouldn't talk about that, Dean. Just in case," Cas replied, keeping his voice low and quiet. "She's... She's so emotionally scarred from what happened, it's probably going to take months, if not years, until she recovers."

Dean stared down at his baby sister, noticing that at least right at that moment, she was at some sort of peace. This was probably the best sleep she'd had in three years.

"We're gonna fix her up," He said now. "She's gonna be fine, Cas. If she wasn't... Then she wouldn't be letting you get so close to her already. She still trusts you... She still remembers everything from the past, so yeah... She's gonna be okay."

Castiel could only hope he was right, because seeing Erin break down and sob like she had earlier nearly ripped him to shreds. Knowing that the only woman he had ever loved was in so much pain... He almost couldn't take it.

Dean reached over and smacked his arm with the back of his hand. "You try to get some sleep too. Me and Sammy are gonna keep watch over everything, so... It's safe."

Castiel nodded, watching Dean stand and move back over to the ATV where Sam had been lingering. Sam had been casting glances to Erin ever since she'd fallen asleep, and no doubts the man wanted to do something to help her... He just didn't know what it would be.

Sighing deeply, Castiel rested his head against the stacked crates behind him, before noticing Andrea across the campfire passing him quick glances. He shifted slightly after that, trying to ignore the look in her eyes and the obvious disdain that was practically smacking him in the face.

Even after all these years as being human he still didn't understand women. He had told Andrea more times than he cared to recall that he had no romantic interest in her, and yet she didn't seem to understand. And now... There she sat, giving deadly stares to Erin, who was as innocent as innocent came and... He halfway wanted to curse at her for it.

As cold as it might have seemed, he figured that maybe this would be what was needed to show Andrea once and for all that he meant what he said... That he felt nothing for her.

And in truth Andrea hated that she was feeling jealously over the situation. Erin, the poor girl, had been tortured and raped over and over again, and she was angry over the fact that Castiel was being so kind and gentle with her. She was well aware that made her a terrible person, but she just couldn't help it. After everything, after all the nights she spent in Castiel's cabin, how kind she'd been to him even when he was nothing short of unbearable, it pissed her off beyond belief that he never once showed her that kind of affection.

Still, Castiel tried to ignore her. Because he simply couldn't deal with her drama now or anymore. He had Erin back, finally... He had her back and she needed him more now than ever before, and he swore up and down that no matter what he was going to be there for her. Even if it seemed impossible, and Erin never spoke and was never as she was ever again, it didn't matter.

With that thought in mind he planted a gentle kiss on the top of her head, before closing his eyes and falling asleep almost instantly. It was the first time in three years that he had drifted off so soundly, completely dead to the world.

* * *

><p>It was the soundest sleep he'd had in... Obviously three years. It was wonderful, it seemed to take every ounce of pain and misery away in just a few short hours. But, all of that was disturbed when he felt someone shaking him roughly by the shoulders before feeling a hard smack on his arm.<p>

"Cas, wake up!" Dean shouted. "Erin's gone!"

Instantly his eyes shot open, and he sat up with a discombobulated snort. "What? Where is she?"

"If I knew that then I wouldn't be freakin out right now!" Dean shrieked back.

Castiel jumped to his feet now, staring around the campsite. "How could she be gone? You and Sam were supposed to be standing guard!"

"She must've sneaked away when we were makin our rounds or something, I don't know. Get a move on, we gotta find her. She couldn't have gone far."

Neither man knew where the hell they were supposed to go. The area was huge, and Erin could have gone in any direction.

Sam met up with them near one of the motel buildings, shaking his head. "Nothing, Dean. No trails anywhere, I have no idea which way she went."

"Dammit." Dean replied. "Where the hell did she go..."

Castiel put both his hands on top of his head, trying not to have a complete melt down. "Why... Why would she run away like this, I thought that she would've-"

His words cut off when Erin walked her way out of one of the run down motel rooms, lugging a small backpack over her shoulder. Once all three men spotted her, they rushed up and Castiel grabbed her and pulled her close.

"You scared me to death." He said.

"What were you doin, kid?" Dean asked. "What's in the bag?"

Erin swallowed, staring up into Castiel's eyes seeming much more alert and coherent that morning than the night before.

"Medicine," She answered, surprising all three of them. "Little bit of everything. Antibiotics, painkillers, anti anxiety medication... Everything." She held it out to Dean who reached a wobbly hand out and took it. "I knew it was stashed in there, so."

No one knew what to say it seemed, and it relied on Sam taking a step forward and pulling Erin into a tight hug to finally snap everyone out of it. She returned it, actually managing a smile when he pulled away.

"Are..." Castiel swallowed. "Are you alright?"

She sighed at that, lowering her eyes to the ground. "No, not yet... But, I think I will be eventually. Last night I... Last night was a bad night, I'm sorry if I scared all of you."

"Shit," Dean squeezed her tight now, planting a scratchy kiss on her forehead. "You don't gotta apologize for anything, Erin. Never."

"I think I thought last was a dream or something," She went on, timidly staring at her feet. "God knows I've had that dream a million times over the last three years. And, when I woke up this morning and saw Cas was still there... Yeah, I realized it was real. You guys finally found me." She sighed, and while she did seem much better than the night before, that shame filled gleam was still shining from her eyes. "So... What... Where have you guys been? How long have you been in Montana?"

Dean motioned to the campfire. "Let's go sit down, you're still recuperating, and we'll get some breakfast made, okay?"

She nodded, and didn't pull away when Castiel took her hand. "Yeah... Okay."

Dean led the way back to the campfire, and Erin tried to avoid the looks of the strangers around her. Instead, she returned to her previous spot from the night before and resumed with tucking her knees into her chest.

"So," Dean cleared his throat and poured a cup of coffee for Erin. "You, uh... You think you can tell us what happened, Erin?"

She tensed up, her shoulders going rigid. "With what exactly?"

"Where you've been, what happened that day." Sam answered. "After you got taken."

Nodding, she took a sip of the coffee and let out a relieved sigh at feeling it warm her insides. Castiel stayed right beside her, refusing to budge even an inch.

"Thought they were crazies," She started. "When they grabbed me I knew I was done for, and thought for sure they were gonna start tearing me to pieces. But, they didn't. They gagged me and dragged me away and staged the area to look like they killed me."

"Shit." Dean said, sitting up straight. "Those mother fuckers."

"Anyways," She went on. "I traveled with them for about a year, and... It wasn't nearly as bad as here. They mainly just wanted someone to cook for em, do their laundry and other things like that. They, um..." She swallowed hard. "They weren't nice people, of course, you know they, uh..."

"It's okay," Castiel said, grabbing her hand. "You don't have to talk about any of that."

She nodded again and blew out a deep breath. "Anyways, after a year we ran into this group here. The leader of the old group knew the leader of this one, they were friends or something. I was lost in a card game, along with a crate of canned peaches."

"They..." Sam stopped, biting back his anger. "They were gambling and using you as the pot?"

"Yeah, and the old leader lost. He was pretty pissed about it too. And yeah, I've been with this group ever since. We stuck to the east coast for a while, until they'd pretty much made enemies of every renegade group they knew. That's when we started for the north and eventually made it to Montana and this place," She stared around the property. "We were only gonna be here for a couple weeks and then move on. They never liked to stay in one place too long."

"God," Castiel shook his head. "And to think if Axel hadn't spotted you, we... We never would have known you were here."

"Axel?" Erin returned.

Dean motioned over his shoulder. "Older big guy back there with the beard. He spotted the campfire and noticed they had... Well, he said they had a prisoner so, we came to check it out."

She smiled faintly. "Just like old times. You guys running to the rescue, huh?" Her smile faded just as quickly as it appeared. "So, where have you guys been all this time?"

"Stuck to the southern states for a little while," Dean started. "Was easier in the winter time, but apparently everyone else got that same idea. We had a lot of problems, got run outa every damn camp we had. So, that's when I decided we were heading north. The winters might be harsh and difficult, but at least we don't run into nearly as many crazies or renegades here."

"We have a pretty nice set up just a couple miles to the east," Sam went on. "A campground. Cabins, a lake, good amount of supplies and things like that. It's actually the nicest camp we've had yet."

Yet again she smiled faintly, casting a quick glimpse to Castiel who was all but completely silent. "Oh... How many do you have in your group?"

"About forty," Dean replied. "Not huge, but big enough I think. Guess we can say we got forty one now, huh?" He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I think you'll like it there, kid."

Her eyes lowered again, the smile fading. "Yeah... As long as I'm with you guys again... I don't care where we are."

Everyone fell silent before Dean cleared his throat. "Cas, why don't you give Sammy a hand at finding somethin to make for breakfast, huh?"

Castiel immediately glared at Dean in return. "I'm certain that's not a difficult task, Dean. Sam should be able to handle that himself."

"Okay, maybe, but I wanna talk to my sister for a minute, so do I need to draw you a picture, dude?" Dean smiled sarcastically.

Erin chuckled faintly, giving Castiel's hand a squeeze. "You know if you don't listen he probably will draw you a picture."

Castiel wasn't amused at all, but for Erin's sake didn't raise a fuss. "Alright, I'll be right back."

He took the risk by kissing her hand, which she didn't seem to mind before standing and following Sam to the opposite side of the camp and to the crates of food there.

"Dean," She said, before he could say anything. "What happened to him?"

Dean's brows raised. "What?"

"Cas... He's different. Very different. He doesn't... He's so thin and... He looks ready to fall over. What the hell happened to him?"

"Don't worry about Cas, Erin. He's fine."

"Don't lie to me," She returned, glaring at him. "Be honest with me. Tell me what's been going on with him while I've been gone."

Sighing at that, Dean rested his elbows on his knees and shook his head. "He didn't handle you being gone very well, Erin. He blamed himself for it... Couldn't work his way past it, hell we all couldn't, but... Cas... He just kept on slippin farther and farther away."

Her face fell flat at that. "What happened? What did he do?"

"He started drinkin... A lot... And, after a while that wasn't enough to numb everything, so... He started popping pills."

"Jesus," She rubbed her head. "Pills? What kind?"

"All kinds, fuck I don't know. It's been a rough three years for all of us, kid. But Cas, he... He just stopped caring about everything. Pills, drinking, smoking pot. Shot up a couple times, but that didn't last. Guess he had limits or something."

Erin sat back, fighting back the urge to cry. "God... Why didn't you stop him, Dean?"

"I tried," He replied. "I tried like hell, but he wouldn't listen cause he just didn't care. He hated himself, he thought he got you killed, so... He felt like he needed to punish himself for it."

Dean in no way what so ever was going to tell his sister about Castiel's _other _activities. The last thing she needed to know was that the man she loved had fucked every woman back at their camp.

She rubbed her head again, before resting her forehead on her knees. "What else happened while I was gone, Dean? What happened with you and Sam? Are you guys at least okay?"

"We kept hangin on, sweetheart," He answered, softening his tone. "Wasn't easy, but... We kept on keeping on."

"Good," She nodded. "I'm glad. You both look like you're doin pretty good. Sammy seems healthier than the last time I saw him. How's he been with the sickness?"

"Recovered, still has a hard time when the weather turns damp and cold. Nothing serious though. Jane, the doctor who looked you over, she said Sammy's heart's nice and strong, and he doesn't have anything else wrong with him. Just gets achy every now and then, catches colds easier. But yeah, he's good, kid."

"And you?"

He shrugged. "Look at me, don't I look as strong and sturdy as ever?"

She smiled, and this time it actually seemed sincere. "Yeah, gotta say you look pretty damn good, bro."

He passed her a playful wink before his expression went back to being serious. "Hey, if... If you need to talk about anything... About what happened, you know you can always talk to me."

Her jaw clenched at that. "I know, but... I can't. What happened was... Was horrible, Dean... You can't even imagine and... That's why I'm not gonna talk about it."

"Okay," He reached over and patted her knee. "Don't worry about it then. You just do whatever makes you comfortable."

Nodding again, she let out a long deep breath. "I, uh... I need to talk to Cas now, Dean. Is that okay?"

"You bet," He leaned over and kissed her cheek, scratching her up with his stubble before moving to stand. "Just hang tight, I'll send him over."

She went back to sipping her coffee, and before long Castiel was jogging across the campsite and moved to sit back beside her.

"Is everything alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, well... I guess, considering," She replied, laying her cup aside. "How are you?"

He eyed her carefully, and she tried to ignore the pure exhaustion written all over his features. "This is the best I've been in three years, Erin."

She said nothing in response to that, and noticed that when he shifted slightly that inside his jacket was a pack of cigarettes. Before he could speak again she reached over and inside, pulling them out.

"Uh," He said, watching as she examined the package carefully. "That's, uh... Well I suppose I picked up a not so admirable habit over the years, Erin."

She said nothing and instead pulled a smoke free and popped it between her lips. "Got a light?"

He relaxed some after that before pulling his lighter from his pocket and flicking it on for her. She took a few long drags of the cigarette, before sitting back and letting out a deep breath.

"Everyone has bad habits, especially now. If you think I'm gonna be mad or disappointed about you smoking, you're wrong." She said.

His posture slumped after that. "It's... It was more than just cigarettes, Erin. I've done... Quite a bit of things that I'm ashamed of."

She passed the cigarette over to him, which he was quick to drag at. "And now?" She went on. "Do you think you're still gonna do those things?"

He fiddled with the cigarette, practically twirling it between his fingers before passing it back to her.

"No. Never again. I'm never going to do any of it again." He answered.

"Then it doesn't matter anymore," She finished, sitting up straighter. "As long as you promise that you're gonna start taking care of yourself now, Cas. Because... I... I need you and... I don't want anything to happen to you."

He forced down a knot in his throat before moving his eyes to hers. "Nothing's going to happen to me. I promise. Remember, I said I was going to take care of you."

She just barely nodded before fiddling with her coffee cup. She had a feeling there was more to what Castiel had been doing while she was gone, more than just drinking and drugs, but... Really her mind couldn't conjure up anything worse.

"Sam was saying that if you're feeling up to it after breakfast, then maybe we could return to our camp early," He said now. "It's much safer there than here."

"Yeah... I should be okay, Cas. I kinda wanna get away from this place."

"Alright, then we'll leave. We'll do whatever you want from here on out."

Erin tried to laugh at that, but all she felt was misery. "You guys don't need to make any special exceptions for me."

"Of course we do. I know you don't like being coddled, but... I want to do whatever I can to make you feel comfortable, and... Do whatever I can to make you feel better."

She eyed him up and down. "You're already doing that, Cas, but... It's gonna take me a while, ya know. There's a lot that... That I just can't deal with right now, and... I just hope you don't lose your patience with me."

"Never," He shook his head and turned to face her. "That will never happen, Erin. You know it won't. I love you, I never stopped, and the only thing I've dreamt about was seeing you again. I'll do whatever you want me to do, even if you don't want me anywhere near you, even if you can't stand me now... Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

Her eyes filled with tears after hearing that, which she quickly tried to hide. "I just... Just stay with me, Cas. That's all I want. I... I feel so ashamed of everything that's happened, and... It's hard for me to even look my brothers in the eye cause of it. You though, just like always, you're the only one that takes all that away, and... Just don't go anywhere, okay?"

He scooted closer and was wary about putting his arms around her, just in case she would object.

"I'm never going anywhere, never."

"Then let's just take it one day at a time," She finished with a deep breath. "I dunno what's gonna happen, how long or if I'll ever be... Normal... Again. So, we just need to take it one day at a time."

That was perfectly fine with him. Even if their relationship was never anything more than it was right at that very moment, he didn't care. Just as long as Erin was alive... That's all that mattered anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel knew better than to pretend that just because Erin was speaking and seemed more alert, that she was well again. That was the farthest thing from the truth. Her eyes still held that shell shocked look, and no doubts they would for a long long time. She tensed up when anyone other than her brothers and himself got too close. She kept a constant wary eye on the strangers around her, especially the men... And refused to speak one single word to any of them. Not even Jane who tended to her injuries.

She mostly just clung close to him, and would hide in his shadow whenever Gibson, Jane or Crista would make any inquiries on their return trip home.

He didn't mind though, because he wanted to protect her, to shelter her away from anything that frightened her or made her uncomfortable. After living three agonizing years without her, he was never letting her out of his sight again.

They were loading the last of the crates into the back of the ATV's, and then going to make the ten mile drive back to their camp soon after. It was early the next morning, and after an extra night at the motel which no one wanted but unfortunately couldn't be avoided, Castiel was ready to get back to camp. He wanted to get Erin settled in so she could sleep in an actual bed, and eat an actual meal. Even though it was presumptuous of him, he assumed she would be staying with him in his cabin. Of course he would let her have the bed though. He would sleep on the floor as far as he was concerned. Whatever it took to make her comfortable.

If it was at all possible, that next morning was even more cold and frigid than the last, and frost had successfully caked over everything leaving behind a glisteny finish in the sunlight. Erin had been shivering since she woke up, and drank a good three cups of coffee and still wasn't any warmer. She offered to help load the crates, but it wasn't only Castiel that objected to it, her brothers did as well. But, the last thing she wanted to do was become a burden to everyone, and if they were going to insist on coddling her so much, then that's what she would end up feeling like. So, while the men were preoccupied with loading the crates, she decided to search through the motel rooms to see if anything was left behind.

She knew about the medication that was stashed there so far, as well as a few hand guns and knives that she had already told Sam about. If there was anything else, anything useful anyhow, she would find it.

No one noticed her slip away from the campfire, not even Castiel who was too busy loading a particularly heavy crate into the back of the ATV. She wasn't exactly trying to be sneaky, she just wanted to do something to help and she knew if she asked beforehand then Castiel and her brothers would refuse that help.

In truth she was hesitant about searching the rooms a second time. The memories she had in many of them were nothing but horrible and ghastly. But, she tried to force those memories away and somehow managed to go in with her mind completely blank as she started sifting through cardboard boxes and the renegades duffel bags.

Most of the contents weren't anything useful. Most were just trinkets and trophies they'd collected on the road. Things they'd stolen from innocent victims, one man had a tendency to collect locks of hair from the people he had killed. But, among the useless items were articles of clothing, men's shirts in particular which she was quick to stuff into a clean empty duffel before moving to another room.

In there she found the room of the renegades only woman, besides her. It was just as messy and unkempt as everything else. Reeked of booze, bodily fluids and other disgusting scents. Still, she shoved that aside as she sifted through everything, finding a good supply of women's clothes, hair brushes and combs, and other little odds and ends that a woman would make use of. Just as she knelt down at the dresser to search through the drawers, Castiel emerged in the doorway and peaked inside.

"There you are." He said, stepping in part way. "What are you doing in here?"

"Looking," She answered. "Wanna make sure we got everything before we leave here."

"Oh," He moved in further and knelt down beside her. "You didn't have to do this alone, someone could have helped you."

"I, uh," She leaned back on her knees and awkwardly wrang her hands in front of her. "Well I kinda wanted to do it on my own... I don't know those people, Cas. And, I know they're your friends and you trust em and all, but... I don't yet."

He nodded at that. "I understand. It's going to take you time to adjust to everyone at camp."

"Yeah," She swallowed. "I'm... Kinda nervous about it, Cas. There's forty people back there. Forty people that are all gonna be looking at me and wondering where I came from and who I am, and... What happened to me. I don't want people lookin at me or talking about me."

Sighing, he reached over and laid his hand on hers. "It's alright, they're not going to stare at you or talk about you. Everyone in camp pretty much minds their own business. There's a few families with children, and then other small groups that I suppose you would say are cliques, so... While we might be a community of sorts, we aren't in each others business or lives."

She swallowed hard, the anxiety lining her features easing up some. "Oh... Still, I... Have a feeling I'm gonna be avoiding everyone for a while. Is that gonna be a problem?"

"No of course not," He shook his head. "We'll do whatever makes you comfortable."

"Thanks," With a deep sigh she passed him a small smile. "So, how does it work back at your camp? Do you each have your own little cabins or what?"

"Mostly, yes. I have my own, Sam and Dean have their own. Occasionally though when Sam's not feeling well he'll bunk with Dean. And of course there's families that share a cabin. There's dozens of them, it's a rather large place so there's never any issues with that."

"That's good." She kept her eyes planted on the floor. "So, would I be having my own cabin? Or... What?"

"That's..." He stopped and gave a little shrug. "Well that's entirely up to you, Erin. If you want your own cabin then you could have one. If you want to stay with one of your brothers then I know Dean won't have any issues with it. Or... If you wanted to bunk with me, then you could do that." Her response to that was her shoulders tensing up. "You, naturally would have the bed to yourself if you stayed with me. There's plenty of space and I could sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor."

"I don't wanna be alone," She replied quietly. "I don't think I'd feel safe sleeping in a cabin by myself."

"Well," He smiled faintly. "Whatever you want to do then, Erin. It's up to you."

She eyed him carefully before swallowing a knot in her throat. "I think... I'd wanna stay with you."

Castiel tried not to express the relief he felt on his face, but... It was what he was hoping for. He wanted Erin with him, constantly. He never wanted her to leave his side. And, maybe her living with him in his cabin wasn't what most might consider it, it's not as though they were married, or even a couple right at that point in time. Yes, he still loved her, and he figured she still loved him, but it was going to take a long time until they were as they used to be... If ever. But, he figured Erin staying with him in his cabin was a start.

"Then that's what you'll do." He replied, smiling again. "If that's what you really want."

She nodded. "It is. I think we've been apart for long enough, don't you?"

He kissed her hand in response to that, before Dean cleared his throat from the doorway.

"Hey," He said, then stepped inside. "We're about ready to head out."

Castiel nodded and helped Erin back to her feet. "That's good. We were just double checking to make certain we'd got everything."

"Good, yeah, that's good, uh..." He moved closer and ran his hand down his face. "Listen, uh... Erin, there's something I gotta talk to you about."

She hugged the bag in her arms to her chest and nodded. "Okay, what about?"

Dean passed a quick glance to Castiel, who already seemed alarmed.

"Well, uh-" Dean cleared his throat. "We're gonna be heading back to camp soon, and-" Pausing he let out a sigh and just spit it out. "We still gotta decide what to do with the leader of that group, kid. Sammy and me were talkin and we figured that he might have some info that we could use, but so far he's not talking, which means we need to make him talk."

Erin's eyes fell to the floor while Castiel's jaw clenched. "Okay, and... You wanna take him back to your camp to interrogate him?"

"Yeah," Dean replied. "Believe me it's not like we want him alive, Erin."

"Oh, I know," She nodded awkwardly. "Yeah I know that."

"But if he's got info that could be useful to our group, then we gotta get it."

"Are you serious?" Castiel said now. "You actually want to let that monster live, and not only that but take him back to our camp? No, no way, Dean. That bastard deserves to have his heart cut out!"

Erin jumped faintly at his raised voice.

"I'm not disagreeing with that, man," Dean went on. "And trust me, he's gonna get his. But, first we need to know what he knows. Like, maybe he'd know where more renegade groups are, whether or not they'd be comin our way, or-"

"Actually," Erin chimed in. "I don't know about the renegade thing, but... There's caches."

"Caches?" Dean returned.

"Yeah, all over the place. Where they'd keep supplies, food, everything valuable. Usually when we traveled they kept me blindfolded so I don't know exactly where they are. But I know that one or two is pretty close to here. Maybe twenty miles or so, I just... Don't know the exact location."

Castiel returned his heated glares to Dean. "We interrogate him, we find the locations to their caches, and then after that... He's dead, Dean. I won't negotiate with this one, he's dead."

"I agree." Dean nodded. "So, are you gonna be okay with this, Erin? Cause if you're not, we can hold off goin back to camp and just-"

"No," She shook her head. "I don't wanna stay here anymore, Dean. I'll be okay, just as long as I don't have to see him or talk to him, and... As long as he can't look at me."

"We got that covered, kiddo-" Dean nodded. "Okay, well... Let's head out then."

He gave a nod to Castiel before leaving the room, and once his footsteps could no longer be heard Castiel sighed.

"Are you absolutely sure about this, Erin? Because if you're not comfortable with it, I'll make Dean change his mind."

"No, I'll be okay." She hugged the bag tighter. "Those caches are loaded, Cas. Your group's gonna need what's in them."

She said nothing more and quickly left the room and Castiel struggled to contain his temper.

The last thing Erin needed was knowing that one of the monsters that hurt her was going to be alive and back at their camp with them. She needed to know that she was completely safe, and that wouldn't happen as long as that man was still breathing.

Yes it might have been beneficial for their group to have what was in the caches, but as far as Castiel was concerned it wasn't worth Erin's peace of mind.

But he swallowed back that anger and left the motel room too, catching up with Erin as they made their way back to the ATV's. Sam and Axel were loading the last of the crates, while the women packed up what little of their supplies they had.

The leader of the renegade group was hog tied, gagged and blindfolded, laying on the ground next to Dean's ATV, and before long they lugged him up and into the back, tying him down so he couldn't budge an inch. Erin had gone stiff and frigid after that, her chest tightening in fear, rage and pain which Castiel clearly noticed.

He inched his way closer, carefully putting an arm around her shoulders which caused her to jump slightly.

"I'm sorry," He said. "If you don't want me touching you... Just say so."

She peered up at him, saying nothing before inching closer to him and wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"You're the only one that's ever made me feel safe." She said now. "Even long before the world went and died. I might not be... Completely comfortable with everything, but... It's you. And I know you'd never hurt me."

He could only nod at that, because he simply didn't know what to say when it concerned such an uncomfortable topic. Erin wasn't the same, which was to be expected, and she might never be. Because of that, he knew he might never be as close to her as he was in the past. The one thing he didn't want her to think is that he was ever going to feel any differently about her, because he wouldn't.

"Let's go!" Dean shouted, waving his arms in the air. "Everyone load up!"

Erin pulled away and grabbed the duffel full of clothes, but Castiel was quick to take it from her. After that he climbed behind the wheel of the ATV and she joined him in the passenger seat. To Castiel's annoyance Andrea and Crista climbed in the back seat of the ATV.

He knew it was bound to be an uncomfortable trip home now...

* * *

><p>Erin could sense it... Sense the strange and very uncomfortable aura that was coming from the backseat of the ATV. Those women... She didn't know them, she had no idea what their names were, and yet... One of them, the pretty one with dark hair as a matter of fact, just kept giving her horrible death stares. Not only that but Castiel seemed tense and awkward as well.<p>

The ten mile drive back was going to take a while, since they were bypassing actual roads and driving through thick dense forest. The trails were rocky and unstable, which meant quite a bit of the time they had to barely creep along. It only became that much longer when one of the ATV's in front of them blew a tire and they had to pull off and repair it.

It was going to be about an hour, Dean claimed, so for the moment everyone took that opportunity to stretch their legs. And, of course Dean ordered everyone not to stray too far. Erin though, she refused to budge from her seat in the ATV and instead sat back and observed the strangers. Actually, her eyes stayed on the dark haired woman who she only just found out was named Andrea.

It didn't take long for her to notice how she kept her attention completely fixed on Castiel. And Castiel tried his best to avoid her at all costs. Erin felt her stomach twisting at the sight of it, because she knew damn well what it looked like.

After helping the men prop the ATV onto a decent sized rock to repair the tire, Castiel made his way back for Erin and climbed behind the wheel.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

Erin kept her attention still on Andrea, who was standing back with the doctor Jane and muttering something unknown.

"I'm fine, Cas." She replied.

"Are you hungry?" He asked now, pulling a bag of beef jerky from his jacket. "It should be enough until we're back at camp, right?"

She passed it a quick glance. "Yeah, thanks... I am a little hungry."

He held the bag up and snickered. "Teriyaki flavor."

"Sounds good to me." She smiled faintly in return.

After tearing the bag open and handing her a few pieces, she nibbled at it in silence.

"It's pretty out here," Castiel said, staring up at the tree tops. "I can only imagine how it's going to look in winter when there's snow on the ground."

"That won't be too long from now," She replied. "It's October, isn't it?"

He nodded. "Around the tenth, I think, yes."

"Hard to keep track of the months and days when you're blindfolded almost twenty four seven." She took another bite, missing the horrified gleam in Castiel's eyes. "Cas... I wanna ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, okay?"

His actions paused, as he hesitated lighting up a cigarette. "Of course, Erin. I'll always be honest with you."

She kept her eyes on her lap, not speaking for a few good seconds as he lit up his smoke and took a few long drags.

"I, uh... I noticed something. And, I know I've been gone a while, but I'm not stupid. So I know what I saw."

Castiel furrowed his brows. "Saw what, Erin?"

She motioned slightly to Andrea, who was pacing back and forth across the trail.

"Her... The way she looks at you, and the way you avoid looking at her. Kinda makes me wonder if something happened between you two." She didn't raise her eyes quick enough to see Castiel's face fall blank. "If something did happen, Cas... You can tell me, you know? To you and Dean and Sammy, I was dead for the last three years. You thought I was dead, so... If you had some kind of relationship with that woman or-"

"I didn't." He interrupted quickly. "No, Erin... There was no relationship."

She swallowed hard. "So, you're gonna try to say that I'm imagining what's been goin on since you guys found me? That that woman hasn't been looking at you, and you haven't been avoiding her?"

Sighing deeply, Castiel flicked his ashes onto the ground. "I'm not going to say you're imagining anything, Erin. Because you're not. You're right... Andrea, she... She expressed an interest in me, but I've told her on numerous occasions that I don't feel the same way about her."

Erin flicked her eyes back to Andrea, noticing that yet again she was staring at both of them.

"So," She returned her attention to Castiel. "Nothing happened between you two?"

A knot suddenly formed in Castiel's throat, which he tried his best to force down.

"Erin, you've been the only woman I have ever loved. From the very beginning, once I joined you and your brothers I knew... You would be the only woman I cared about. That didn't change, even after I thought you were gone, I still loved you. No other woman could ever hold a candle to you..." He paused, feeling his stomach churn at the words that were getting ready to roll out. "So no, Erin... Nothing happened between Andrea and myself. I swear."

He tried his best not to let the mask he adorned now crack, and he felt his heart ache once he watched Erin smile slightly at that. She believed him, and why shouldn't she? Apparently he had gotten much better at lying, because everyone knew he couldn't do it in the past.

He hated having to lie to her, that he was making her believe that Andrea and he had never done anything together. But... He just couldn't tell her the truth, he couldn't see that look of pain in her eyes. Not now... Not after three years of nothing _but _pain. Maybe one day he would confess the truth to her. After she had healed, after enough time had passed that it wouldn't emotionally crush her.

Erin went back to the jerky in her hand, nibbling at it and falling into silence. Castiel however, only puffed at his cigarette and tried to shake the guilt he was feeling.

* * *

><p>It was near dark when they rolled back into their camp, and once they came to a stop just near the well Erin's eyes were already all over the place.<p>

Castiel wasn't lying when he said the campground was pretty big. There were dozens of cabins, all decent sized, lined up like a little makeshift village. Off past that though and down a stone trail was another building, larger, that she guessed might have been a lodge of some sort back in the day. The lake wasn't far from the cabins, accessible just down another little winding stone trail. There were outdoor showers too down by the lake, canoes and rowboats, and even a dock which she guessed would be good for fishing off of.

They were in the process of building a palisade around the property which was little less than halfway finished. The wooden beams used for building it had obviously been cut down from the surrounding forest. She could see the stumps left over from trees being chopped down.

There were men patrolling too, she noticed. All of them armed with what she guessed were AK-47's, watchtowers at every corner, and just... She didn't think a pack of crazies or renegades could get within a half a mile of this place without being blasted away.

Once Castiel cut the engine of the ATV and the women in the back climbed out, he turned to her and gave a small smile.

"It's not so bad, right?" He asked. "It's safe, at any rate."

"Seems nice, Cas." She replied. "And yeah, it does look safe." She glanced around behind her. "Which cabin's yours?"

He pointed to one on the far left, one that was towards the outer edges of the campsite. "There, that small one at the end."

She nodded, giving it a good hard glance. "Can I see it?"

He smiled at that. "Of course."

Erin was eager to get away from the ATV's because by now people were starting to flood out of their cabins to inspect the haul the group had brought back. That and of course inspect the new girl that they had brought back too. She just wasn't ready for prying eyes or answering questions just yet, for now she was content with hiding.

They made it a good few feet from the ATV's before Dean rushed up to them.

"Hold up," He said. "We gotta talk about some things."

"Like?" Castiel replied.

"Decisions that need to be made," Sam said now, moving to stand beside Dean. "We want what's best for Erin, so... Wherever you wanna go, whatever you want to do, just say it and we'll accept it, okay?"

She frowned slightly. "So, you guys are gonna make me choose between all three of you, is that it?"

"I can make it easy for you," Dean sneered. "You can bunk with me. My cabin's big, got two beds, plenty of room, kid."

Castiel felt his eyes narrow at that. "Dean we-"

"I already told Cas I was gonna stay with him." Erin interrupted. "I think... I think that's best for right now, Dean."

"Yeah okay," He nodded, moving over and putting an arm around her. "If that's what you wanna do, no problem."

"It's not like we'll never see you." Sam added with a smile. "We're all gonna be taking care of you, Erin."

She sighed at that, lowering her eyes to the ground. "Guys. I love all three of you, but... I don't wanna be babied. Please don't treat me like some broken little doll that you're afraid is gonna shatter completely. Just... Treat me like you used to, okay?"

"We know," Sam nodded. "I guess we just forget that, considering everything."

"We'll lay off then." Dean replied, then kissed her cheek. "Go get some rest, we can talk in the morning. Maybe have breakfast together, okay?"

Neither brother wanted to do that though. After the last three years they wanted to baby her, to keep a constant eye on her, to shield her from everything that could hurt or frighten her. But they both also knew that it wasn't about what _they _wanted. Erin was a strong willed girl, she was going to do what she needed to do to get better, and they couldn't interfere with that.

"Night, Erin." Sam said now, leaning over and kissing her cheek too. "See you in the morning."

She nodded at that, watching as they both started back for the ATV's, but then suddenly darted for them.

"Wait." She said, pulling them both to a stop.

She slammed Dean with a hug first, and even though she was weak and malnourished she still had the strength to practically crush him. She then turned and did the same with Sam.

"Night guys." She said, then awkwardly moved her eyes back to her feet.

They both seemed in better spirits after that, and gave a wave and nod to Castiel before walking away.

Now Castiel led the way up the stairs to his cabin, hesitating at opening the door because he couldn't remember whether or not everything was in order. And... Whether or not there were any signs that a woman had been in there recently. It wouldn't be the first time Andrea had left an article of clothing in there, hidden beneath the bed or blankets. Castiel had found jackets, bras, panties... Everything. Right about then he very much so regretted not giving his cabin a thorough cleaning before they left on their mission a few days prior.

"Cas?" Erin said, nudging him lightly. "Everything okay?"

"Oh, uh-" He cleared his throat. "Yes, I... Was just wondering how clean my cabin was."

She chuckled. "I could care less if it was covered in dust and cobwebs, or your dirty laundry or whatever else there might be."

Yes well, he very much doubted she could care less at finding a pair of women's underwear in there.

With a reluctant sigh he pushed the door open, taking a wary step inside.

Immediately the scent of some sort of cleaner smacked him straight in the face, as well as noticing that this was the first time his cabin had ever been so tidy.

Someone had come in while he was gone and scrubbed the place from top to bottom, not only that, but changed the bed linens and gotten rid of all his old liquor bottles, and evidence of drug use. Even the empty pill bottles that lined his window above his bed were gone.

Naturally he was confounded, because there wasn't anyone he could think of off the top of his head that would do such a thing. Sam and Dean were with him, Andrea was with them, not that she would do something like that anyhow. And every other woman in camp didn't care much for him after the way he'd treated them, so... Of course they were out of the question too.

Erin took a good look around, at the items he'd acquired over the years, the furniture too that he had arranged. Two dressers, some sort of antique buffet of some kind that was covered over with a silken fabric of some sort of Asian design, lanterns, a small armchair that had mismatched legs. And, the bed that was past a set of makeshift curtains that separated the rooms. It was a large bed, she figured, considering he was alone in this cabin. The blankets and pillows looked surprisingly soft and warm. Everything was... Not what she was expecting, not at all.

"This is nice, Cas." She said, startling him out of his confused daze.

"Uh," He turned a small circle. "Thank you. Normally it's not this... Tidy..." He snapped out of it long enough to lead her through the room and towards the bed area. "This is where you'll sleep, obviously, and-" He moved over now to a door on the far end wall. "This used to be the cabins bathroom, but naturally we don't have running water any longer. We make do with getting buckets from the well. It enables the toilets to flush and what not, so..."

"God," She snickered. "Can't think of the last time I actually used a friggin toilet."

"Cabinet," He went on, motioning to the mirrored medicine cabinet over the sink. "So if you have anything you want to store, then..."

"I don't have anything, Cas." She said.

"That'll change," He nodded. "You can have whatever you want now." She managed a smile before he left the bathroom behind and closed the door. "There's not anything else to see since my cabin's so small. So, I suppose the tour's over."

"It's cozy in here," She added, wringing her hands together in front of her. "Seems peaceful too."

Yes he had to agree with that. When his cabin was clean, and everything was arranged and not a disaster it did seem rather peaceful.

"It's about dinner time," Castiel said now. "You've got to be starving. Beef jerky doesn't last very long, and you didn't have breakfast this morning."

"Yeah, I am pretty hungry." She replied.

"I'll go fetch you something then. You just... Make yourself comfortable and relax, okay? You look exhausted."

Understatement, Erin thought. She was about ready to collapse. As a matter of fact she was willing to forget about her grumbling stomach and just crawl under the covers and fall asleep instead.

"Thank you, Cas... Oh," She shifted on her feet slightly. "I don't wanna be a pain in the ass or anything, but... Is there a way I could get some... Clothes?"

"Of course." He paused on his way to the door. "We have everything extra in storage at the mess hall. We can go tomorrow morning if you'd like?" He then shook that off. "Actually... Just, wait here and I'll bring you something back."

He rushed out of the cabin after that, and Erin watched from the window as he jogged across the campsite and disappeared around the cabins.

Once he was out of sight she moved across the room and sat on the end of the bed, bouncing slightly on the soft mattress. For a moment she listened to the deafening silence surrounding her, and but for birds chirping outside she could hear no other signs of life.

Panic began to sink in after that and she wasn't certain why. She kept telling herself that she was safe now. She was back with her family, back with Castiel, and nothing was going to happen to her ever again. This campground, this cabin... It was safe.

After a few deep breaths she finally managed to calm down, and just in time too because ten minutes later Castiel pushed the door open again lugging a heavy leather duffel over his shoulder and a bowl of something hot and steaming. He dropped the duffel for the moment and laid the soup down on the small table next to the armchair.

"Apparently the meal tonight is potato soup." He said, motioning to it. "So, eat up. It smells pretty good as a matter of fact."

Erin stood and inched her way to the table, sitting at the chair and staring down at it.

"How'd they make potato soup without any milk?" She questioned.

"I think they said something about condensed milk, or powdered milk, I'm not certain."

"Aren't you having any?" She asked now.

"Maybe later, first I wanted to grab this from storage." He moved a chair closer, then dragged the duffel in front of her. "Open it."

After one bite of soup which was surprisingly delicious, she bent over and unzipped the duffel, pulling it open and then immediately going blank faced.

"Oh my god." She muttered. "These are... These are all my things."

Castiel nodded at that, actually smiling a smile that was sincere. "I know. We, uh... We kept them. It seemed that it wasn't only myself that just couldn't get rid of anything that belonged to you, Sam and Dean wanted to keep them too."

"Wow." She breathed out, then reached inside and pulled out several articles of clothes. "I never thought I'd see any of this again." Her blank expression suddenly turned very solemn. "It's so weird... I still feel like this is a dream, Cas."

"I know. But before you know it, everything's going to be just as it was. It's not always going to be so difficult or strange. Just take all the time you need and do whatever it is you need to do to adjust to everything."

Her eyes went slightly vacant again, much like they were when they first found her. She said nothing more and turned back for her soup, taking small bites and keeping her attention focused on the floor.

Castiel said nothing more either, only observing her in silence. He kept telling himself that this was just the first night, that eventually the Erin he knew and loved from the past would come back... He just needed to be patient.


End file.
